Supermarket Trolley Etiquette

One of our more luxurious weekly chores is traversing our local supermarket for food and household items. A somewhat shy shopper at the best of occasions, my time is generally spent in transportation and redistribution of said groceries(I push and unload the trolley). Depending on my mood I usually try and make a game of being the most courteous trolley driver at the supermarket. What I am constantly amazed with is how quickly society can fall to pieces without constant rules, reminders and enforcement.

Supermarkets are a deliciously bewildering chaos of consumerism. Let me share a typical visit and some of my techniques.

Dodge the trolley chaps bringing in kilometre long trains of trolleys and hijack an appropriate trolley after first kicking it’s wheels.
Navigate the one way entrance funnels without losing sight of my beacon (wife)
Once inside the fruit and vegetable section, do not become enamoured with smelling said fruit and vegetables.
Keep the trolley away from plastic bag dispensers(high traffic areas).
Catch all fruit thrown at me.
Stay away from the bulk bin area as it is a trouble spot.
Stay away from the bulk slab beer as it is trouble.
Hurry through the frozen food section. Collect yogurts on side of trolley. They add much needed flair.
Never leave the trolley unattended.
Never leave the trolley in such a way that it impedes the flow of trolleys.
When drastic manoeuvring is required. Lift the trolley by the handle and pivot turn using the front wheels.
Amuse small children by annoying my wife.
When it finally comes time to queue up I try and capture my wife between the front of my trolley and the next customer. This stops her from invariably running off at the last moment to get something we have forgotten. I have abandonment issues.