On Friday night I discovered I had a new super power. The phantom teleport. It was my last night with my crew and we decided early on we were going to party like it was my last night with them.

I had one thing in my mind. I would not phantom on them, I would stay till to the bitter end. It is fair to say I have been a very diligent crew member and have not really let loose for a while

Writers are well known for lascious dispositions to alcohol. I can say with some knowledge that I have a very polararising relationship with alcohol, it certainly let’s me experience another strangely forgettable Jekyll side to myself. In fact one of alcohols amazing quandaries is the beautiful sledge hammer of inspiration it wields

Things be began almost harmlessly at an Irish bar. My early poison was vodka cranberry juice. Cranberry juice is full of antioxidants, well the Berries are. This juice had a lot of sugar. Still, I  was quite lucid, chatty and almost charming.

We soon moved to another bar at about 11pm. It was here that I made my first mistake. Tequilla. I would gladly have myself hypnotised so that at the mere mention of tequila I bark like a dog. Maybe I already have.

Beside the bar was a club playing music. There was a DJ. Well he looked like a DJ. He put his head phones on once during the hour. The coup de grace was when he played cotton eyed joe. This caused me to get very angry and I cajoled everybody to egress.

It was here that things got very blurry. We ended up at the Palm Beach night club. The bouncer took issue to my shoes. I must have looked incredibly drunk. He did not take issue to my 100 euro note. I remember proudly telling  everybody how I had bribed the bouncer.

It was here that I started dancing like a crazed lunatic. I can safely say I was the most interpretive performance dancer for at least 1000 miles. Michael Pattison would have been proud.

It is here where my memory leaves me. I have carefully pieced together what happened with evidence and crime scene investigation.

At some point i ended up on a revolving dance floor. Having not spent much time on these i had a devil of a time getting off it.  I was on it for approximately 3 hours. At six am Stu rounded everyone to leave. We then all got split up.

Fast forward to 7:30. I awake, I am asleep on a sail boat. There was a five minute period where I did not know who I was. Where I was and if in fact I was still alive. I had done the first ever phantom teleport  !!

The sail boat was very small. It was also out of the water on a trailer.  I know I teleported there because it was an eight foot climb on board. Did you know I had never been on a sail boat before ? Luckily my memory started to come back when I saw the Palm Beach sign. I was very close to the night club and very far away from my boat.

I then made to make the long trudge home. I left my wallet on the sail boat. It is fair to say that I was still very drunk when I got back home. Trying to find my Wallet was very distressing and sobering. On my second trip back to approximately where I had slept on a sailboat I did find my wallet. I am still looking for my dignity.

As always when I am privy to my own stupidity I try to rationalise with written words. I have spent two lonely days debating with myself and all I can say is/

Clearly teleporting is not an exact science and phantom teleporting is clearly art.