Do not look away. This is a serious diatribe on matters not of a ballistic nature. Years of ground breaking research have left me ready to share with you the secrets of the toilet test and what it means to you.

Nocturnal pleasure seekers know of the toilet test. They might not know they know but trust me they know.

An accurate gauge of relative inebriation, the toilet test is usually conducted whilst visiting a toilet. It is best to visit the toilet and make yourself familiar with it early in the night if it is not one that you know well. Pay attention to the flooring and especially your appearance in the mirror.

Now for the second stage. Lubricate yourself thoroughly with your poison of choice then revisit the restroom. Here are some common findings.

The floor patterns are shifting – You have had a hallucinogen
I am in the wrong sex toilet – You are incredibly drunk
I am having difficulty operating my clothing – Please read the instructions on your clothing tags
I look like a werewolf in the mirror -You have sprouted facial hair. Lower your oyster intake
I look like a vampire in the mirror -You have stayed up far too long. Please seek a coffin
I can’t see my reflection – You have mistaken a flat surface for a mirror but it is not a mirror please re orientate.
I can’t find the toilet – You are beyond drunk. Find your friends if they have not disowned you

With this information you can easily manipulate your energy input to pass the toilet test. Failing the toilet test can be unnerving. This is explains masquerade parties and novelty masks. It also explains why the best parties have toilet attendants. Just in case you know.