A universal crime against humanity is the laboriously crap service our weather forecasters, writers and presenters serve up every minute of every day. Whilst I am willing to concede predicting the weather requires some nous and more than a bit of luck in a place like Auckland, New Zealand, I abhor the abysmally pathetic information we receive each and every day.

A thorough information omnivore I gather my weather information from a number of sources. My (excuse me whilst I gadget name drop once again) iPhone has a wonderful little widget which gives me a six day up to the minute forecast. I also read online news papers, listen to the radio and on occasion watch the television. Unfortunately using this information leaves me in the lurch as soon as I step outside. It turns out the best up to the minute local forecast is best found by walking outside.

The iPhone app has really put things in perspective and I have noticed the following annoying trait with weather forecasting.

-It is all bullshit

Still, using all of this information and discerning it all is where things get really interesting. Being a keen bandier of words, it is blindingly obvious to me that the met service and in turn the media are excellent at saying a whole lot of nothing.

A typical weather report for this fine city is usually comprised of the following attributes.

Fine (bound to get people excited)
With cloudy periods (better not get too excited)
And possible showers (it could rain you know)

I could write weather reports with far more panache and honesty. Here is one I cobbled up earlier.

Tomorrow will see the sun rising. The temperature will rise and fall with the sun. Huge clouds of vapour will move through the air obscuring the sun and affect the temperature. Beware: if you see a dark grey cloud it might rain.

Wonderful. The beauty of my weather report is that it can be used year round. I will not try and dress it up differently each day. You now have weather knowledge for a life time.

People of the world. Do not be alarmed! I will write reports for your locales as I visit. In the mean time I recommend y0u stay away from conventional weather reporting at all costs.