You need Balls to Paint your Nails

Seriously. Imagine the rush of euphoria, when just 5 minutes ago it dawned upon me that I can freely paint my nails once more. Painting my nails has in the past served me well. Now, if you are not horrified at this thought then read on.

– I have incredible hands. They are probably my defining feature. Painting the nails on my hands serves to enhance a beautiful sight.

-Painting ones nails is calming. Its a nice thing to do for yourself. The fumes are positively stimulating in a stifling way.

-Once you paint your nails as a man you automatically filter and amicably antagonize boring people. Let me expand upon this.
* Women with poor nails feel threatened and otherwise confused
* Men with issues are confounded by a tall man, with a full head of hair who has radiantly good nails.

-I love primary colours. I am not fashionable in the slightest. I have only one rule. Only a fool breaks the 3 colour rule. Painting my nails in bright primary colours serves to reinforce my only rule of fashion.

-There is some skill in painting nails. Its not easy. If you do a good job of painting your nails, you immediately garner respect from other nail painters.

See. There is method in my madness. Now excuse me. I must paint my nails.

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Business Card Swapping

The humble business card is a useful tool. It adds padding to any cashless wallet. It can be folded to create hard origami creations. It can be used as a shiny but ineffectual way of getting your details to someone you admire. In a pinch they can be used to help start a fire. During the 84 stock market crash, brokers were seen adorning themselves in business cards after they had to sell everything.

During my adult working career I have always had a business card. I lie slightly in that I did not have a business card when I took a sabbatical to tend my parents farm for a year. Show me a farmer that has a business card and I will show you a twat.

Anyway in just over a week I shall be unemployed. I have no plans for immediate reemployment. But I decided I needed a business card to tout my future plans for myself. Using all the resourcefulness of a person with two hands I found a website that I could order business cards and promptly ordered 200. These are plastic coated and should not pose a fire risk.

Cool huh! Now my intelligent design(er) readers; of which there are a few, are probably saying tisk tisk at this moment. But a writer has no time to curry favor with designers. We write and things happen. So consider this paragraph as an invitational korma. Do better than I in a timely fashion and I shall be suitably impressed.

Anyway my plan is this. When I meet a suitably interesting, inspiring and intelligent person. I shall present my card. When I meet a person be smitten, breath taken or conclusively capitulated I shall present my card.

Then I got really thinking. What if I presented other peoples cards in addition to my own? What if I asked for multiple cards? This could be a virus of circulating important details the universe has never seen.

Are you not happy you read my blog?

The next time you see me give me your cards!

additional notes

My cards turning up yesterday. They look great.

I used vistaprint.co.nz

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Horseplay?

So there I was taking a 40minute break from poolside living, endless banquet food and dial a drink. It was 7am in the morning, not an altogether disagreeable time for healthy pursuits. I was feeling pretty good with myself when I spied this sign.

Obviously 4/5 recommendations are pretty self explanatory for someone who has visited a place of exercise whilst staying at a hotel. But the third warning is particularly humorous. Horseplay? horseplay conjours up quite a few unsavory gym activities in my minds eye

  • Equine themed roleplay
  • Racing, betting & over the top clothing
  • Overenthusiastic, spastic & plastic commentated proceedings
  • Stirruped, spurred and cropped nonsense

Obviously one should never overestimate the the intelligence of its patrons, even when they are attempting conscience easing healthiness.

More thought provoking writing incoming. I have been waylaid by self serving indulgence….

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A world awaits

I think of the earth as a freshly picked orange, ripe and ready to eat. The smallest of slivers eaten (New Zealand) the rest of the orange lies hidden under an inviting peel.

Resolved to traveling things are falling into place.

Before embarking on a quest. Good heroes must stock up on provisions and take inventory.

A pack to carry equipment

Footware to traipse and wander in

And a suitably sized Laptop

Now to plan an Odyssey. Stay tuned.

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A new course of learning

I have embarked on a new tangent. My last somewhat formal education was a 12 week astrology course. Before that it would have been computer training of some shape.

My next trick will be a year long creative writing course. Long time readers will probably find this at odds with my recent writings in fact some of you would feel I need to dull my creativity to find a wider audience.

But fear little my patient pets. This course shall sharpen my fingers and invigorate my brain to new heights. I shall be spending four hours a week on my course and I shall post my assignments here for you to read, comment and enrich your lives with.

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A.S.S

Welcome to my latest tirade against sensible sensibilities. In this piece we examine A.S.S for the uninformed.

American Superhero Syndrome.

Topically A.S.S is a mental disorder which afflicts people such as myself who were bought up on a diet of comics, poorly animated video games and cheap novels. Symptoms include a propensity of fighting other peoples battles, loathing other peoples illogical love interests and the somewhat admirable ability to change clothing at the drop of a hat.

After 30 years of exhibiting such errant behavior I am now in a position to present a treatment plan and through cognitive engineering rehabilitate such noble modern day agnostic paladins as myself.

Firstly we must start with the cause.

People are really stupid.

Ain’t that the truth. If you can accept that you are more than half of the way to absolution. This blog is a prime example of my own stupidity. To think that writing this guide would help heal the world. Leave that to Michael Jackson and we all know he needs some electroshock therapy to fix his face.

Secondly

When money is involved People are more stupid

Its not rocket science but time and time again people will come to you with problems which if you strip away the nicely present emotive arguments have money firmly attached to the rear end of them like a well placed pin with resplendent tassle. Do them a favour call them a donkey and when they don’t respond yell A.S.S(do you see what I did there?)

Thirdly

Stay the hell away from broke ass relationships

This perhaps is the hardest lesson. Being sympathetic is a core human value but it really is pathetic when you are hearing about someone breaking up for the umpteenth time. Write them off as learning a hard learned lesson. Think of them as canceling each others faults out. Be happy they aren’t inflicting pain and suffering on other souls. Change your phone number. Forge your own death do anything you can to get the fuck away from such and abortion of humanity realised.

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When it rains my pores!

I *upgraded* the bones Nintendowii.net.nz runs on last night and it completely stuffed the website. Mildly gutting. More gutting is the news today that WiiNesDay is going to have to move on from Space.

So yeah kind of a crap day. But you know?

I’m quite fired up and things will get better.

Karl is going to help me restore the backup tonight and things will improve.

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