I learned during my first epoch what strange times I live in. What else could explain a bowling ball appearing in my underground thinking den ten years ago?
It was yesterday morning that I felt a large dose of deja vue. Please examine the following picture and join my confusion.
At first I thought aliens had left me with a super hero suit and fuel for saving the universe. Perhaps they have?
If I remember correctly Max was the first member of my Wife’s extended family who laid paws upon me. She is an Australian Kelpie so has the distinction of not only being incredibly smart but also has a slightly roguish personality. So roguish in fact to this day she still takes the opportunity to lay paws upon me and make me feel like one of the dogs at every opportunity.
Max announced the start of her interview today with a series of low throbbing growls. Her growls grew in volume and throatiness until she was allowed inside. After jumping about and racing around frantically she ensconced herself on a couch. At this point I felt it opportune to take a nice photo of Max.
Unfortunately dogs and Max in particular do not make for willing photo candidates. Max managed to evade most of my clumsy attempts to snap her.
After this photo she promptly fell asleep and our interview ended. She began to snore contentedly and I felt cheated but at least not dirty(her paws are clean).
I have since learned that Max acts as an exclusive dog hairstylist grooming the whiskers of an Australian terrier Sky that also makes k9heaven home. Max also is the informal boss of all the surrounding area, if you had not guessed so all ready.
Dogs, probably not the smartest thing to interview, but only if you are the interviewer.
Given the obvious time zone advantage New Zealand has, locating yourself here allows you to say you are living in the future. Whilst there is a distinct lack of robots, flying cars and a zero crime rate I am proud to write some things remain positively advanced after a stint in the SEA.
-Exposed telephone exchanges, power cabinets and haphazard wiring are strangely absent.
-The chewing gum wars of the early 90’s have left supermarket shelves with only 10 possible varieties.
-All doorways are made to accommodate people larger than 5ft tall.
-Impressive round the year climate control means spa pools are always usable even in summer.
-The same radiation enhancing atmosphere that I lambasted last week does make for some fabulously blue vistas.
photo taken from inside a spa pool upside down using my nose as a tripod
In fact it does seem to be getting warmer here or maybe I am just getting cooler.
After the train ride to Chiang Mai I managed to leave my mobile phone and headphones in our carriage. This was particularly annoying as I had enjoyed its company over the last couple of years. Losing personal property in another country is not fun but it can make for a story.
The executive committee decided that a vehicle should be appropriated and that we make our way back to the railway station. We found a fantastic Yamaha scooter which is the finest hired vehicle we have had during our whole time away.
Using a combination of two maps and homespun GPS we made our way to the railway station and information centre. The information centre has a poor choice of name but they did manage to point us at the railway police. After a short period waiting we were met by a official looking chap who with some grace took a statement and suggested that we visit the Chiang Mai tourist police and furnished us with a new more detailed map.
The next day we mounted our steed and using three maps managed to almost visit the tourist police, see the regular police, visit two coffee cafes, wander the streets and see a huge tract of previously undiscovered Chiang Mai. Needless to say it was a relief when we found the tourist police. The tourist police officer candidly advised us that lost property is never handed in but he did supply us with a statement which we will use to make a travel insurance claim on our return.
Earlier in our trip we sent surplus space suits and supplies back to mission control via parachuted air drops. Since then our bags have swelled in orbit and it has become necessary to send more luggage home. It was with glee that we joined the super highway to get quotes on more traditional terrestrial freight services.
Chiang Mai has a super highway which encircles the city and connects with the state highway to Bangkok. Using the super highway allowed us to push our vehicle to previously unattained speeds. It has to be said that driving a scooter on a motorway with a map firmly pressed to your back, the wind streaming through your helmet and wife screaming in your ear is a glorious experience.
Edition. Jumbo because it has been a few days since my last entry and there was a large log protruding from my back. We have returned to the safety cocoon that is Chiang Mai and it is safe to write again.
On Wednesday and Thursday of last week we threw ourselves at Angkor Wat. Being a still (practicing) magician it felt odd to be paying someone else for mechanical levitation but Angkor Wat deserves everything you can throw at it. $15 was a reasonable price and the balloon ride offered a superior vantage point. Equally as important were the rich cacophony of Japanese voices and cameras sounds from our fellow balloon riders has prepared me well for my eventual conquest of Japan.
Early on Thursday morning we arose before the mosquitoes and were at the gates of Angkor Wat before dawn. Mother nature did us a great service by stalling a mass of photographers waiting for a sunrise and my wife and I had merrily gallivanted all over the premier temple before the snappers had discovered there was going to be no superior sunrise photo opportunity. Angkor Wat is an incredible masterpiece. It actually feels weird to bentrying to write about it. Needless to say my own personal plans for a self styled monument now seem incredibly mundane and humble.
Equally majestic and ornate are the close surrounding temples. The incredible amount of detail which accompany even the smallest feature is astounding. The people of Cambodia are to be commended on the preservation and constant maintenance that is being undertaken. Whilst it seems odd to see scaffolding, hard hats and huge cranes amongst it all; it all serves to further ram home more questions on how was it done in the first place centuries ago.
Getting up early does have its benefits. By about ten am the outskirts of the temples are awash with children indulging in high pressure on the fly roadside capitalism. An earlier met acquaintance mentioned the youth of Cambodia are naturally using techniques that are learned by spending a lot of money in western countries. Whilst endearing it can be distracting and who could say no to a hat like this?
Previous writings coated us with a teflon coating of imperviousness as we blazed through the Poipet border crossing from Cambodia into Thailand. So utterly oblivious, we skirted a temple dispute without a whimper. It has to be noted that natives of New Zealand when encountering soldiers always think they are on peace time exercises and are carrying blank ammunition. It is inconceivable they could actually be en route to a conflict.
Long periods of traveling wrecks havoc with ones news sensitivity. Since we started this rather large adventure. A host of world shattering events have occurred.
-Thailand has practically had a revolution
-Zimbabwe’s leaders have brokered a power sharing agreement
-South Africa’s leader has stepped down
-Russia and Georgia have come to blows
-The world economy has had an unprecedented shake up
None of this compares with the juggernaut that is the U.S presidential race. My forays and forages into world television have left me a crazed political pundit. I have watched debates that mean nothing to me. But do you want to know the really crazy thing ???????
Imagine my surprise when opening my email after arriving in Bangkok I had not one but two emails from the Republican party urging me to make an early vote in the election. This has caused me to refrain from further presidential race coverage and to pen a letter to McPainin.
Dear Sir/Madam
I regret to inform you that your previous emails have been in vain. I do not know how you have extracted my email address from my cranium whilst watching your party political broadcasts but I am deeply offended and will refuse to watch American television hence forth.
Yours Sincerely
Sir/Madam
This stage of our travels are winding to a close. We will soon have a reentry date and we are both looking forward to touching down and spending time with mission control. Plotting and planning our next journey shall be equally as fun and exciting.
New Zealand readers do not be alarmed. I have plenty more to write and do. You will not be bored.
Rest of the world. Do not look away or be shy I am coming for you!
It came to my attention yesterday that blatantly soliciting google ad patronage goes against the tenements which define the google gods omnipresent network. My light hearted and entirely heartfelt clicking requests have been incredibly successful in the past. Hence I am currently flummoxed on how I can cleverly entertain my growing slice of the internet pie and financially sustain my important research into all things that amuse me. After consulting my distinguished legal team we have come to the conclusion that any future ad clicking requests will be prefixed with do not. Let it be known that I will be retroactively fitting past requests with the do not suffix. So in summary;
DO NOT CLICK THE GOOGLE ADS
Four Videos today 🙂
Part 1
Part 2
Part3
Part 4
Feet are sacred in Thailand, well they are seen as Tapu or dirty so i am at odds to say i have royally desecrated my poor soles. From that first fresh morning of high intensity jandal galloping which left me with numerous chaffing blisters. The rigours of scooter riding only goaded me into believing four wheels was best leaving my ankles bereft of many layers of skin.
The final(dare I hope) straw was this morning. Ironically and stupidly I had earlier boasted about how i would upload a photo of my poor feet. As I stepped out the door to collect my Wife’s shoes(another irony). My eyes happened upon the largest pool side mountain ever to wear a pair of speedos. My overloaded candor was such that as i turned to make a heartfelt comment to my wife I did the following work of art on the door frame.
There is surely a lengthy proverb in there but i think a simpler truth is needed for me. If your shoes fit wear them. If my tales of self harm have you thinking I am some later day Jackass reincarnate I assure you I am actually quite fond of my body, preferably intact.
Connecting further dots. It was with some relief we came across this huge statue in Ayutthaya. She was reclining, looked beautiful but had really sore feet obviously.
More photos in the usual spots. Or you can just click this link.
Meditate more! I am becoming somewhat of an authority and an expert on receiving massages. Apart from the numerous health benefits there is one peculiar and welcome side affect. An enforced prolonged meditative state. This tends to cause my brain to throb, and all the thoughts bundled up inside it make numerous noises, until I am sitting in front of a keyboard. This is particularly annoying when trying to sleep the night before formal learning.
Thai massage has an interesting style. What I like about it most is that it is non repetitive and it uses interesting body weight contortions that make me think of the dawn of the WWF in the playgrounds of the 80’s.
I started my PADI course yesterday. It is a small class and a largely humorous informal affair. Today we will be getting in the pool and completing our theory before entering the open water tommorrow. Some of the insights are fantastic and could be applied to out of water experiences.
-When faced with vertigo hug your buddy
-Always breath, never hold your breath
-Animals always act defensive
-If you can sneak up on it, it is probably a plant
Captain Nemo still taunts me. I saw this yesterday in town.
More is not always better. After giving scooters a paragraph or two I thought it would be wise to hire the services of a quad bike for koh tao. Good farming stock are often riding quad bikes before they can walk. But I have found that the quad bikes that live on islands are close relations to the garden variety horse. Loud and stroppy due to a diet of two stroke fuel. The island quad bikes need constant throttle and a well timed kick to maintain the engine running. It was this kicking motion that soon got the better of me. Even though I had prepared as best I could the horse/quad bike was soon kicking me back. I now wear a proud memento(in the form of a huge bruise on my foot) from my battles on four wheels and will be staying well away in future.
I wrote a small thing yesterday whilst I was waiting for our dive course to start. I can only call it a thing because that is what it is. It is not my best work or my worst but some of you may enjoy it all the same. Think of it the next time you are waiting…..
Waiting is worst when you have spent money, but is it wise to wonder you have wasted your wage? Perhaps it is prudent to be proud of your patience and instead just forget to pay.
I have recently learned the power that a writer wields whilst traveling. If you want to scare anyone in the service industry mention that you are a travel writer. If you want to scare anyone who is being rude to you mention that you are fiction writer researching your next work. If you need an excuse for tapping on a keyboard whilst people are getting drunk around you say you are a writer with a deadline.Easy huh?
I completed a four hour session in a pool and an exam today for my PADI training. I was not particularly inspired whilst being under water. All I could think about was how the pool was far worse than my local pond.
I know it is rude to brag but if there was ever a pond worth bragging about it this is surely it.
I have discovered the deliciousness that is not knowing what the time is. I relish in this, and my only real time gauge is when I am hungry and when the sun goes down.
As a mark of respect for my origin I have kept my computer on New Zealand time. This serves a couple of useful tasks. One; it makes communicating with people back home easier, two; it lets me say I am from the future.
Far from cultivating a casually disinterested look we are still garnering a lot of attention. This attention sometimes has a hidden agenda. There are three basic questions.
Where are you from?
How long have you been here for?
Where are you going?
After these questions are answered a canny salesman knows the following.
-Your native tongue
-How much local knowledge you have blogged about
-How much ’advice’ they can ram into you
Being a gullible Gulliver it has been far to easy to be truthful which leads to frustration. In my minds eye I have played out various techniques for dissuading the most agreeable adherent..
Start speaking gibberish from the outset. A hodge podge of dialect which not even a well programmed C3PO could translate.
Start asking questions. Pull out a survey board and ask for a few moments of the persons time.
Pretend I am a local. Very hard given that I am still mutilating my limbs on an hourly basis.
But I do believe I have the answer. I am from the future. Let me explain my reasoning.
-It is truthful.
-It is mildly mind boggling
-What on earth could you sell to someone from the future?( I hope I do not look like an intergalactic antique collector)
I shall try this today!