The Gadget Arms Race

A couple of years ago, with a wry smile I coined the phrase partner phone envy. My wife had purchased a new phone and it was more feature complete and looked smarter than mine. Being a keen gadgeteer I was aggrieved and manipulated my finances so I could purchase a newer swisher phone.

Fast forward to last year and my wife again upgraded her phone to an iPhone. I was content to sit on my then current phone. Mysteriously it disappeared in Thailand and on our return to New Zealand I was able to upgrade my phone (it has twice the capacity of her phone, therefore is better)

Strangely her phone has developed a fault and I have promised her that we will upgrade it in June when the new iPhones hit the market. Now I am left pondering how I can slyly upgrade my phone and not seem like a jealous guy who can’t handle his significant other having a better gadget.

A thickening plot.

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Double Faux Pas

On Saturday night I attended a my wifes sisters birthday dinner party. I was on best behavior and kept my razor sharp wit in check. After a few bottles of Beer Lao my mouth was sufficiently lubricated to make a few increasingly funny jokes.

Unfortunately the conversation lurched onto mental health for 15 minutes so I decided to lighten up the conversation and take the conversationalists somewhere else. After a sentence questioning; what happens mentally ill people who require full time care when their parents start to require care?

I proudly pumped my fist and said “they become politicians”

This was met with a few chuckles until I learned that one of the guests parents was a politician.

Not to worry I tried to save my messed opportunity and then pumped my fist again to decry “they become lawyers”

A few more giggled murmurs and I was soon to learn that the aggrieved child of a politician was in fact a practicing lawyer.

Oooops

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Topically Wet

I got uncomfortably wet this morning. The rain started immediately as I left my abode and increased with alarming frequency. I sought solace beneath trees. Hiding amongst a suspiciously opened condom and some beer bottles is not immediately inspiring. However I did have time to pull out my phone and do a one thumbed distracted iPhone user dance whilst listening to some suitably squelchy psychedelic trance.

Water managed to bead frustratingly on my face and after shaking my head for the umpteenth time I saw a smug looking gent stride to the bus stop with an umbrella. A wise man, all I could do was start typing with two thumbs and curse this inconvenient weather.

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Lanit Alumini

An offshoot from this blog is going to be a largely silly follow up series on some of my gaming friends from about nine years ago. Some of them I have kept in touch with some of them I have had to embellish, make up, and otherwise fill in blanks where I do not have appropriate facts.

I think there are a few lurkers here that will find this funny. Beware if you are lurking you might be next.

http://lanitalumni.blogspot.com/

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Winter is coming

After a typically warm night of turning and tumbling through the small hours, I lurched outside this morning to walk the streets and continue the social improvement of our immediate environment. It was therefore surprising to be nibbled by the beginnings of winter. February is usually the hottest month in this part of the world so to feel a bit cold was an unwelcome reminder of the march of seasons.

Unprepared for the cold I adapted my clothing in a time honoured method by placing my arms inside my t-shirt. Charming to a fault this does make you feel warmer. But it also has the unwelcome side affect of looking like you have no arms or are hiding a straight jacket underneath the t-shirt.

Cantering in front of my wife armless to increase my circulation only served to further the theory that I was in fact under the care of a kind lady. It was pleasing to note that we had a 100% good morning response rate. I can only surmise it is harder to ignore someone with no arms than someone with two.

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Hands and Butterfly

During the Olympics I and the rest of the world got particularly enamoured with Michael Phelps and in particular butterfly. Butterfly is a particularly hard swimming stroke to master. It shares nothing in common with other strokes. I have never been particularly good at it but this did not stop me from commandeering all manner of pools and seaside locations for butterfly exhibition swims.

Racial stereotyping aside South East Asian’s are not renowned for being good swimmers. This compounded with my sometimes alcohol infused enthusiasm made for quite a spectacle. Alas during one of my last shows my wedding ring slipped off in Chiang Mai never to be seen again.

Luckily the ring was not particularly expensive. We wisely spent our wedding savings on entertaining our guests and feeding them. So whilst there was an emotional attachment, the finnacial one was not great. Therefore it is with great pleasure that I can now present to you my new official wedding ring, worn by my hand model.

My hand model is actually myself. Another string in my bow. I could quite adequately be a part time hand model. Stunning they are, although they sadly have a bad habit of going on about themselves. Just like a good model should….

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Happy Birthday to Me

Its not actually my birthday today. But it is still a momentous occasion. Today the sun moves in to Aquarius and for the next month I and other water bearers will probably be slightly more cocky and self assured in an endearingly strange way.

Personally I think celebrating your birth month instead of just your birthday is a great idea. It allows you and your friends multiple occasions to sing happy birthday. If you are like me and have a partner with the same star sign you get to double these occasions.

I hope you all have a splendid month. Please do not panic you see a large hippopotamus trundling down the highway being chased by a herd of geese. It is probably a birthday present.

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Abducted by Aliens

Congratulations on following through on what has to be my most body grabbing headline yet. Alien inspired and with good reason I was borrowed by an alien ship and crew two nights ago. I have to admit it was all natural enough. My episode was spurred on by a bout of furious gardening. Weed whackers appear to attract alien space ships. I think that the high spinning revolutions coupled with the whisking noise acts as a spaceship and alien aphrodisiac.

After a couple of hours of battling assorted weeds and foliage I was greeted by some oddly attired gentlemen who appeared to hover above the ground. “Can we have a moment of your time?” they asked politely and although usually I would give trespassers a short shift I was looking for a diversion and gladly took up the chance to ditch the weed whacker. With a loud hum and appropriate orientation manipulation I was transported to my current home.

I have had complete sensory deprivation since the involuntary allocation of my mass to this dimension. This has given me plenty of time to think and to date my proudest achievement is the successful transmogrification of absolute nothing into a compatible wireless space for my iPhone to attach to the internet so I could write this blog.

Since finding the internet I have also found the time to find the perfect refreshment for an extended period of otherworldliness. I also rustled up a glass and some granite to place Beer Lao upon. I will wait and drink things out.

I hope to update you soon with my health and apropriate personal information. I have nought much else to say except I wish you a happy New Year and remember if you keep reading this blog you will be fine.

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Count down

Things move in cycles. Chains, tyres and pedals. Given that it is also three months from the second volume of a rather large adventure beginning I also find myself in the same position I was in April of last year. A feeling of limbo, apprehension and building excitement.

In case you had not been reading, listening or particularly coherent we will be leaving New Zealand again in March to travel to the old world. Once there we will find passage on a super yacht or similar vessel and sail the sublime Mediterranean.

Last week I unwillingly took my first steps towards this goal by having to nuke my EEE-PC. Purged and clean it sits waiting for new tales to tell. This morning I downloaded a talking French phrase book for my wifes iPhone. I suspect our rudimentary Hello and Thank You vocabulary which served us well in South East Asia might need to be expanded upon.

Two weeks ago we donated our camera to some random good souls of Auckland. I am not sure what purpose this serves but it will be nice to get a new camera. Maybe one with expanded video capacity as video is all the rage with the kids these days.

Excellent.

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The Ancient Art of the Recap

I have become paralysed with the debilitating illness which afflicts mass media at this time of the year. An overwhelming desire to recap, reconstitute and regurgitate the years events in lists of ten. Sit tight. Cover your eyes. More news after the break.

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