These LinesMy Way With Words

By now my plans, spells, whatever have legendary status in both the practical planning and arcane realms. Sometimes the sequence is wrong and the timing out of kilter. But for the most part they are stunning successes. Take for example my Spanish domination plan written back in June.

It is pretty much what happened, minus a couple of destinations and being completely backwards. I blame this on the long time spent with Swedes in Biarritz. More about Swedes later.

Conjuring up a plan for the next six months is actually overwhelming. So overwhelming that I am going to write a three headed plan which is probably going to take a couple of years to complete. Each section of this plan may spawn sub plans and subsequent rewrites.

Sword in Stone stuff

Anna and I did not marry to spend vast amounts of the year apart. If we can not work on the same boat we will take winter jobs somewhere like Palma and have a groovy apartment that I will fill up with gadgets and trinkets and then be really screwed when we need to move somewhere else.

Plan 1

Apart from the completely disappointing Notting Hill festival that I could not summon up any passion to write about we have not yet experienced anything Caribbean. I did actually write up a plan for myself including the Caribbean a long time ago. Knowing now what I know about yachts and the Caribbean this is probably a ten year plan that might not be completed in this dimension. Long time readers might remember my finding nemo plan, quite where I am going to fit in finding a fictional character in Cuba in this plan boggles my cranium.

By now you are starting to experience the huge centrifugal forces which populate my mind.

Anyway…..

We would like to do a transatlantic crossing and spend the Northern Winter in the Caribbean, tripping around and seeing things, working hard and earning good money.

Maybe some serious Apple computer shopping at the end of the season.

Plan 2

Head somewhere warmer and start working on a boat

Not really that fussed about where.

As long as we are there.

Thailand, Sri Lanka, Seychelles are all possible suitors.

Plan 3

We did plan on finishing yachting in New Zealand,

but if the option to work in the Pacific came up and we could be home for Christmas then so be it.

So yeah that is about it. I feel better for getting that off my head.

What about those Swedes?

Well we are back in Antibes at the moment looking for the perfect job. I am also doing an engine course which is awesome. I get to wear overalls and carry a tool box around, photo forthcoming.

Anyway the first person I spoke to on Monday had that hairy, ethereal quality that flagged him as being possibly Swedish.

He was. It was kind of random and kind of cool. He had got in at 3am and was kind of a bit stunned to have some chirpy Kiwi babbling him at in broken Swedish.

I noticed that this Swede has already found some female on his course to drive him home each night and not be on the bus. Go Sweden!

Other than that? I will write up the rest of Spain this weekend. I have an exam to do on Friday and should be studying for that.

Ciao!

Our trip into mainland Spain officially began last Saturday. It has become blindingly apparent that a week here is going to go very quickly. But having already decided we will return to possibly habitate in some form, it is probably best we do not become too attached. Severing the umbilical cord will be hard enough when we leave Vigo.

Our parking ticket for our time in Barcelona tells me we were in Barcelona for 1 day, 13 hours and 59 minutes. It also tells me we were fleeced 68 euros for this. This is the largest amount I have ever paid for a parking ticket, it may have been cheaper to have had our rental car towed and pay for the tow truck. It certainly cost more than our hotel room for a night. However, like great Roman consuls before me I now know waging a campaign in Spain can be expensive without local knowledge.

What did we do in 1 day 13 hours and 59 minutes in Barcelona? Well, quite a lot. I will give you a run down with photographs soon. First some waxing about Barcelona, from someone who did not step a single foot inside a museum, gallery, basilica or any other mind altering land mark.

Barcelona is ripe rich and bursting with life, in parts it is over ripe. The city seems to have been germinated from a magic city bean in very fertile soil. There is decay in parts, but you come away knowing that this decay will lead to more brilliant structures sprouting or even just some nice graffiti.

If you get to walk through the many parks of Barcelona you will notice the ground is very malleable. It actually yearns to be crafted and nurtured. A metaphor for Barcelona? Mayhap.

Without further waffle, let me introduce you to our quick tour of Barcelona.

Barcelona in 1 day, 13 hours and 59 minutes.

8:37 pm

Shrug off that confused look the parking attendant gave you as you told him you would collect your car in a couple of days. You write a successful blog and have legions of rabid fans throughout the universe. Your blog will be floated in the DOW soon and will turn a profit.

8:45 pm

After dragging your whole life for 8 minutes through the streets, check into your very nice and bargain friendly hotel.

Smile with glee as you discover you have working internet in your work.

Jump for joy as you find you have a coffee machine right outside your door.

If you are anything like me you are probably in love with Barcelona and you have not even done anything.

9:17 pm

After a very quick shower and some important pressing matters on the internet, walk out onto the Rambla and soak in the very touristic atmosphere.

Enjoy the very good street performers. Grimace as you feel ashamed for ever giving money to a silver painted man in the past. These ones really know what they are doing.

Exercise self control as the friendly solo beer can salesmen try to palm off plant extracts, herbs, pharmaceuticals and every other vice known to man.

10:00 pm

Walk into one of the many Tapas restaurants and enjoy a very reasonable meal. Live dangerously, live a cliché. Eat the Paella and drink a couple of flagons of Sangria.

Spanish invention time

I am loving the simplicity of the great Spanish inventions. This one struck me as being perfect. Notice the distance from the bar to the upper bar area. The bar lady and waiter use basic physics ingeniously to serve customers quickly and with the least effort possible.

clue: look at the out of place pile of drinks

11:00pm

Take a leisurely stroll towards the port until the masts and smell of the sea remind you of your impending job hunt next week.

12:00am

Retire to your now quite salubrious looking hotel with the promise of a whole day exploring Barcelona to come.

7:00am

Wake to the sound of coffee machine; lovely droning machinations that rouse you gently from your slumber.

Check on your downloads that have been beavering throughout the night.

Test your Espanola on the coffee machine and drink three coffees of differing strength, FUERTE.

7:30

Shower, dress and eat a complimentary Croissant con chocolate.

8:00

Pausing only to grab a map from the hotel attendant, leap outside to explore Barcelona.
Ignore your companions at all costs. You are going to show them what you do not know about Barcelona. And then some!

8:15

Take random photos on your way towards the largest green thing on the map. It must be a park.

Just when you begin to loose hope you will find this scrawled on the ground.

You are on the chosen path.

11:00 am

Stroll and relax on one of the many summits. Take in the sights of the statues.

Feel slightly miffed as you realise you are in the grounds of a hotel.

12:00 pm

Take in the grandeur that is the Barcelona Olympic stadium.

Start the long walk down towards the city

The magical fountain may or may not be working.

Look at your map to find an underground station. It is time for food and a siesta!

1:00pm

Spanish invention time

Having used a few mass transit systems in a few European cities what greeted us in Barcelona was particularly neat. I am not sure if it was our particular stop, but we walked kilometres underground to get to a train. I actually began to think that maybe the Spanish underground is actually a series of tunnels with no trains and strategically placed vending machines.

We did eventually find a train, it was very fast and very clean.

You could even watch projected advertisements on the wall and listen to passable music.

Top marks.

1:30

Sit down and eat the international flavour that is subway with a difference. Drink Tequila from the bar and throw some dolleros at the conveniently adjoining casino .

2:00

Enjoy a well earned siesta. The coffee machine has been turned off by now and you can really relax.

3:00

Rise up from your siesta and begin the hunt for bicycles to rent. Bask in the frustration which are the warren like streets of Barcelona.

3:30

Find a sweet bike and start cycling the many warren like streets taking photographs.

5:00

By now you have probably reached the 56 hectare water front complex which feels like a living theme park. Weave your way quickly through the throng of pedestrians, be sure to have photographs taken of yourself.

7:00

You are now ravenously hungry, but you have not bought anything. Somehow end up in a recycled bag shop and buy this humdinger or equivalent.

7:30

Eat an organic vegetable dinner from a cafe with the fantastic slogan.

Organic is Orgasmic

8:00

Return to your hotel for some much needed down time. You are going to need your best humour when you pay that parking ticket in the morning.

7:00am

Repeat yesterday morning except do not leave your hotel. You have 60 kilograms of luggage to pack.

11:45

You are now leaving Barcelona feeling quite chuffed at what you achieved.

In closing,

Barcelona was great, of course we needed more time but we just did not have it to spare. We had Vigo to visit and the white rabbit was disappearing into the horizon.

Time was the only thing that could have made things different. But in such a flavour bursting city you can walk in any direction and be entertained straight away.

It is worth noting that the shopping precinct was closed as it was a Sunday, we probably got a lot more done because of this. But the shopping from what I saw is right down my alley. If you like rich colours and re-made classics, Barcelona is the place to be.

Keen and regular readers may be wondering what happened to Barcelona? Well there are only three real options.

A post rejuvenation Dr Who appeared outside our hotel with a mad cap plan to wash the gold dust out of a Cyberman in the famous baths of Bath. 

Jarra and Matt will be happy to know I have started watching Dr Who again   

A dearth of material has lead to me micro blogging my hygiene habits

My only Bath joke, maybe.

My sister recommended we go there and I always listen to my sister.

The answer was in fact the latter, although both of the former options could be valid in this interesting life I lead.

The journey to Bath was blog worthy. We had cleverly missed all morning commuting commotion in our time in London, but with a day before we returned to the continent we threw caution to the wind and embraced the hysteria which is London before 9am. There are a lot of people here, struggling, yearning, stampeding and queuing patiently all at once. Resolutely this reaffirmed previous mumblings “I will never reside in London and work a normal job”. 

Our train to Bath was opulent. Imagine trains with in seat entertainment. Then when your imagination fails, look at my photo.

I watched an episode of the office. This re-established my desire to never work in an office with Ricky Gervais.

If you look very carefully outside the window you will see the weather is very dreary. We had a terrible day for visiting Bath. The weather the day before and directly after was far more bath friendly. We had shower after shower, last joke I promise.

With rain weighing heavily on our minds and heads we bought some umbrellas. Umbrella manufacture is definitely a growth industry here, they are a consumable, impulse buy and do not last.

We then spent a very pleasant few hours wandering the streets of Bath taking photos. Join me now in a photo tour of Bath.

The Raining Bath  

Bath has over a million visitors a year, I think this is comparable with the whole of New Zealand. As such it is very well organised for tourists. Sign posts, not to be sneezed at.

The architecture of Bath is very nice to look at. The buildings and streets have a certain charm, almost clean(stop it).    

We found ourselves at the entrance to a huge park,

With brightly manicured growing things.

and trees, 

and paths.

Outside of the park we then headed towards the famous mineral baths. I wanted a symbolic bath in a historic setting. I wanted to wash myself of the pain of the last year. I wanted to bath like a Roman. I did get my mineral bath, sadly there were no togas or slaves. They did have some nice flotation aids. I did feel invigorated after the bath.

There is a really cool out door exhibition happening in Bath at the moment. It is a collection of photos showing the beauty of Great Britain. London despite its best efforts is not Britain.

Not the London bridge

Not the underground

Not the Thames

You get the idea. 

Once again the rain began to overcome our adventurous spirits it was time to go home. I did get some photos demonstrating the force with which the rain was falling.

Bath river
 

Brave sepia warrior with 3.99 umbrella.

Bad and good jokes aside. We had a great day in Bath. Go for a day, take some swimming togs and some soap.

Landing back in the land of warm beer, inventive pub names and inclement weather was not shocking. More of a gentle nudge into reality.

The scenery around the East Midlands airport was very Christchurchish. The air on exiting the plane was relatively bracing and we soon joined the trudge of Ibiza dazed souls towards immigration. Being the only non EU passengers we were given a mild grilling by a very solemn passport stamper. With a minute to spare we boarded a bus to parts previously unknown, Derby.

The bus was very full, so full that we soon began listening to the very English  sport of…….. laughing at people trying to flag the bus down as the driver passes them by. Derby town seemed nice enough, I am pretty sure nearby Chatsworth is no relation to Chatsworth Estate which is where Shameless is set.

I did take a few photos of Derby so alien it felt.

The Derby colosseum

Gladiator refuelling station

Our accommodation in Derby was very good. We did actually toss up the idea of remaining in Derby and doing a two hour commute to London for our appointments. This was written off as impractical, but part of me still wonders….

We then moved to London.

Ibiza has transformed my walking speed into a very leisurely gait. There is no place for gaiting pedestrians in London. There have been a fair few unsuccessful attempts on my life by cars, motorcycles and buses.

We found some very budget conscious accommodation in Peckham. Peckham is very, how shall I say…. urban. It is so urban that the local kebab salesman gave us the “You are not from around here are you” spiel. We thought he was just making conversation but after a couple of gaits through Peckham I began to seriously ruminate. I could feel an uneasiness which should be investigated on Wikipedia. 

Peckham is a high-crime area with high levels of gang violence, for which it has a reputation, despite a £290 million regeneration programme in the late 1990s and early 2000s.^[4][5][6] Camberwell and Peckham, the constituency that contains Peckham, is one of the most deprived in the country.

High crime rates aside, Peckham does have a lovely library and there are a lot of students and learning establishments which consoles me. It also has solicitors offering very reasonable rates for any alleged criminal who is charged. Something to think about

I spotted a t-shirt in a shop which I could normally get behind or in.

Fuck retox I’ve just been in Ibiza.

Our appointments have gone well and things were swimming along until Tuesday night when we found out that the couples job that we had our hearts set on had slipped away into a management and owner morass.

This was disheartening and upsetting. When you do not have a home,  jobs are a grounding force even when they float. More about that at a later date.

We saw our second West End show of our lives on Tuesday night. A fanciful tale Wicked. Wicked was well, choice. Modern musicals employ some amazing effects and technology. A firm child of movies and television I find myself gobsmacked at how real life, real life is. Sound silly? Good.

Where to from here?

Well the plan at the moment is…..

We will leave the UK this weekend. we are heading to Barcelona and then onto the glorious kingdom of Vigo and Prince El Fuerte and his gorgeous wife Andrea. 

From here it will be back to Nice. I am going to do an mechanical engineering course which will improve the life lessons I have learned with lego. It should also help us with our job hunt.

Mantra mode

We will get a couples job. It will be going to the Caribbean.

Well since I last left you, Anna and I have fallen into a very comfortable routine. We have been out every second night. The next days we have been making impassioned calls home, lying in the sun and sleeping. The most challenging things we have done during this time has been walking to get food or purchase club tickets.

This routine has included observing Spanish Ibiza and noticing how soul destroyingly annoying the English are that come here, more about them later.

Great Spanish Inventions

Bless the Spanish they really are creative people.


The no worries car rental.

Renting a car in Ibiza is like renting a car in South America, or what I imagine it to be. You give the man your licence and your credit card and that is about it. There is no pre rental ding check and no after rental ding check. I imagine you could return with just the keys and they wouldn´t even notice the car was not there, until long after.

Retractable Petrol Pump Hoses

A first for me. Very clever.

The fucking shit pillow mk 2

Many years ago we had a realy bad pillow which was like the anti pillow. It was uncomfortable, lumpy and horrible. It was thrown away in a fit of rage and I thought it was dead. Until I met its cousin.

The spanish fucking shit pillow.

Witness the cover has no ends. This means the cover works it self off all of the time. Such a devious contraption.

The topless bikini

Now I have lived in France and Italy and have seen many topless sunbathers but the Spanish seem to have done away with the tops of bikinis all together, such is the vast array of breasts on display. Top marks Spain.

The fenced off pool for people that don´t want to think when they are lounging on inflatable beds.

Securing a sun lounger at our hotel is really hard work. Those scurvy English get up at 6am drape towels and sunblock all over the sun loungers and then use them at their own leisure. Crap eh?

To combat this we bought inflatable lilos so we could float around the pool, drinking eating and inflatable bed dancing. Something we have perfected, it is one step up from chair dancing.

The only problem with using the main pool is that it was hard work. There were currents, wind movement, pasage planning, collision detection and underwater objects.

Too much like my real job. This is where the fenced off section of the pool comes into play. It is only 40cm deep and you are never very far away from something to grab on to. Excellent.

I noticed in this shot that my feet which always seem to take a battering on rather large adventures looked a big sad. The very next day we booked in for a fabulous pedicure. I had the largest feet the poor Spanish lady had ever seeen. I had to help her move them off her knees onto the ground.

Those scurvy English.

Now let me clear something up. Every english person I have worked with has been perfectly affable and well to do. However, the English on holiday here are a different beasts. For starters they do not speak anything slightly resembling English. It is like their vocal chords have been grated and then thrown in a vice. They are also incredibly hard to look at, mutant like. We have also found them incredibly rude and hard to talk too. They are also very suspicous. The problem with all of this is that they ruin Ibiza for all English speaking people. Bring on the Spanish lessons.

Armin VS Ferry.

On Tuesday night we got to see the worlds number one DJ Armin Van Buuren. It was incredible. He was soooooo good. Well you can see for yourself.

Notice I spelt release wrong. This was intentional. It is all of the Spanish I have been reading. Probably

Might I add that it was very sneaky me recording anything inside Amnesia. Because celebs like to get off their heads in Ibiza there is a total camera ban. Luckily I have a sweet technique which I will share in my next blog entry of Ibiza tips and tricks.

On Thursday night we got to see Ferry Corsten another fabulous DJ. Ferry did not have the luxury of a seven hour set and a band. But the real difference was in the arm movements. Armin is an arm flailer and flapper. Ferry is a technical finger pointer. There it is the real difference between Armin and Ferry.

So the plan is from here is to hire some bicycles and ride around town today. Tommorow and Tuesday we will have a car. Monday night we get to see Tiesto for free. Tuesday night Armin again and then we will go to Carl Cox´s closing night at Space.

Tough life.