Why not a serious guide? Well if this was a serious guide I would have to charge money for it. That being said you are more than welcome to donate money if you find this guide interesting. The not so serious information in this guide should be easy to identify.

Historical Background,

From the turn of the millennium the Super Yacht industry experienced incredible growth. This growth created a job and Yacht shortage and up until the middle of last year it was quite easy to get a job; if you were well presented, in the right place and keen to learn.

The recession caused a rationalisation of the workforce and owning of Yachts. A lot of the sub 40 metre yachts were owned by people who probably should not have had one. World wide job losses meant a lot more people were looking for work than in the past.

Yachting was also quite a transient industry. In the past it was quite easy to work for 6 months, go travelling for a few months and maybe squeeze a ski or dive season in as an instructor. It is still possible to do this but the catch 22 is that you will need experience.

If you are trying to get into this industry experience is the holy grail. There are a few things that can help you before you leave home though. This is my list of regrets. Please heed them.

-Go and visit your local marinas going into summer. New Zealand has quite a few marinas. We even have Super Yachts. I could have probably got some day work before I left New Zealand.

-If you can’t get day work at home. You can practice deck work pretty easy.Rinse, soap, scrub, wipe, shammy, polish, window clean, spot clean and tooth brush clean your car every day for a week or so.

-If you are keen on interior work. Get some hospitality experience. Make some cocktails. Drink some cocktails. Practice smiling.

-Captains want people who can do anything so to really make yourself a catch. Take apart your entire car. Reassemble it. Wash it down and then clean out the inside whilst making a coffee and then serve yourself a cocktail.

-It is worth noting that Engineers are in constant demand. Engineers are gold. Any practical engineering experience will help vastly.

Basic Seamanship

Invest in a good pair of wrap around sunglasses. Get a nice polo and boat shoes. Practice some knots. Get a hair cut.

Advanced Seamanship

Learn port and starboard. Learn to work with a murderous hangover.

I can not stress this enough. Yachting is a very conservative industry. That being said everyone drinks like there is no today and tomorrow. The first thing you will find after walking out of a marina is a bar.

You will drink a lot and you will need to work the next day. The good thing is, sitting in an office with a hangover is a lot worse than working outside. Also a lot of people eat lunch really quickly so they can have a nap afterwards. This is a benefit of working and living in the same place.

Dock walking (dock whoring)

Dock walking is a useful way of making contacts and getting day work. Unfortunately this season there were so many people doing it in France it was largely a waste of time.

If you want to practice dock walking at home. Put on your polo, boat shoes and wrap around sunglasses and start walking up to people you don’t know and try and create a conversation. Also ask them for a job at the end of the conversation.

It is best if the people have been annoyed by about 100 other people already that day.

I found dock walking terrifying.

I think I actually drank some Gin and Tonic before one afternoon dock walking session(British courage).

The good news is. If you are really dedicated and want a job there is a job out there for you. The bad news is that you will probably spend a lot of money getting that job. Which brings me to my next point.

Running out of money is a good thing. We were literally down to our last 2oo Euros before we moved to Italy. Being broke makes you resourceful. The other great thing about Yachting is that you will recoup your money very quickly.

Advice…..

Everyone will have some advice to give you. Some of it will be conflicting. Take peoples advice carefully.

Some of the best advice I have been given includes.

“Before you get really drunk, head back to the boat”

“Anyone can clean a boat. Not everyone can fix a computer”

“Slowly slowly, safely safely”

“Don’t wear denim”

‘The longer you can stay in a job the stronger you will be for it”

And of course this whole guide is all advice really.

My last advice. Think long and hard before committing yourself to a career in Super Yachts. It is not something you can do forever. There is also a lot of odd stuff that goes on. Interested????

Keep reading my blog.

The title of this blog entry was initially going to be “The stupidest thing I have done this year”. After some deliberation it was decided that this might be a tad grandiose and short sighted. I have done quite a few stupid things this year and we still have a few months to go.

Anyway I had enjoyed a splendid bottle of French champagne, gorged myself on a 600 gram steak at a fabulous restaurant only to be gleefully coerced into a quick night cap or three at a pub. I then walked a lady of high blood alcohol levels home to her yacht. Feeling full, noble and more than a bit tipsy I retired to my cabin. It is worth noting at this point that I had not drank much water in the previous eight hours.

It is here where deductive reasoning must step in because my memories are a bit hazy

At some point during the night I went to the toilet. On my return to bed I noticed that the blankets were missing and the bed seemed an odd shape. After an uncomfortable period I finally twigged that I was not in my bed.

I had climbed into the bathroom porthole.

How I managed to do this is quite remarkable.

Please enjoy these illuminating photos.

Bed

Bathroom porthole

When I finally woke in my correct bed, my sheepish brain was quite happy to write the experience off as a bad dream.

Sadly the toiletries discarded on the floor of the bathroom were ghastly evidence of me trying to make the porthole comfortable.

Truly a story to tell my future Grandchildren about.

So the deal for the Yacht didn’t happen in a timely fashion. This means we are not going to be cruising this year. We may scurry up across to Monaco for the September boat show but that is about it. Naturally this is a bit disappointing but you know? life is pretty good.

I have a job.
I am earning good money and not paying tax.
I don’t have any expenses appart from cheap internet and gin.
I have reacquainted myself with the wonders of Amazon.com .
I have met some pretty neat people.
I am learning a lot.
I eat quite tasty cuisine every day.
I have embarked on a journey of wine tasting.
GELATO

Limbo does rock.

The only negatives are that I miss my wife a lot and I miss friends and family back home.

The wife should be finishing her contact at the end of September I look forward to seeing her again.

My friends tend to get txt messages when I have over budgeted on my gin consumption.

My siblings read my blog .

My parents get emails and phone calls.

Cast

Me = Hard working lumberjack
Linda the Swedish First Mate = Princess Goldilocks
Captain Olivier = Prince Charming
Gaynor the Stewardess = Fair Maiden
Owen the Saffa = The Villain
The three Italian divers = The dwarvish miners

Once upon a time a hard working lumberjack was telling tall tales to a fair maiden after work. An evil villain interrupted the conversation and asked the lumberjack why he was not wearing a wedding ring. The lumberjack replied “I swing axes all day and my ring would get damaged if I wore it in the forest”.

The very next day the lumberjack made a point of wearing his wedding ring to spite the horrible villain. After work the lumberjack sat outside with a fair maiden and Princess Goldilocks. The fair maiden commented on the lumberjacks sparkling ring and Princess Goldilocks who was engaged to Prince Charming removed her ring to inspect it and it fell down a hole.

Princess Goldilocks was nearly moved to tears. The hole was very dark and murky and no one dared enter it at night time. Prince Charming did not think the ring would ever be found again. All the gang could do was go off to a conveniently timed beach party. The wise lumberjack said “Don’t worry Princess Goldilocks something good will come of this”.

The next morning three dwarvish miners turned up to recover the ring. Princess Goldilocks had a piece of string with a weight hanging down the hole in the exact spot where she dropped the ring. The first miner went down and after a while came back up the hole with no ring. He asked Princess Goldilocks to pull up her weight. The string came up slowly and then attached to the weight was the engagement ring which was thought to be lost.

Everybody celebrated and they all lived happily ever after! Except for the villain.

Authors note, If that makes no sense please excuse me I am being self indulgent for others.

Linda did lose her engagement ring into 5 meters of very murky water. Three Italian divers turned up the next morning and retrieved it for her with some typical Italian flair. I made the mistake of listening to a South African.

Revealing information about clients is a big no no in this industry. However after contacting my legal team it appears there is a loop hole.

Revealing other peoples information is fine. So it is with great pleasure that I can inform you.

Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs is a knob.

I have come to the conclusion that sitting in one place is not very conducive to the ramshackle vagabond writing that I am accustomed to producing.

God knows, God knows I want to break free

Instead of tall tales circumnavigating sea serpents and discovering lost treasure I am left syphoning reconstituted shit from our Yacht broker. Let us commence.

This is our third week in Viareggio. Let me explain our circumstances in a bit of detail.

The current owner desperately wants to sell the Yacht and not spend any money.
The management company desperately wants to not spend any money.
The boat manufacturers desperately want us to go away but are left honouring the warranty. Oh and they desperately don’t want to spend any money.
The Yacht broker who has been on board for a month desperately wants to sell the boat and might not have a home to return to if he can’t sell the boat.
The potential buyers are incredibly cagey and will not commit to spending any money.

What a hot sexy melange of wants and will nots.

Anyway the marina and ship yard have been busy moving our boat every other day with sea trials and working on it. Over the weekend we undertook a major oil change of all of the stabiliser hydraulics. We were told on Saturday that we would have to move again on Monday morning.

The Yacht broker had a brain wave! He would blackmail the port by saying we were not moving until other important warranty work had been completed. In his favour we could not actually move the boat under our own volition as we had no engines.

Blackmailing Italians is not smart. On Monday morning we had a very angry ship yard manager turn up with two tug boats to move our Yacht for us. The Yacht broker managed to conveniently disappear.

Anyway maybe I am being to hard on the Yacht broker. He has gone to some principality of Switzerland to put the finishing touches on the deal. Hopefully he will not come back with out a signature.

Post deal. We have two weeks to get everything in order and then we will cruise down towards Greece. Here is a map I prepared earlier.

Crossing my fingers!

PS Suzanne come back! (Chief Stew who left on the weekend for a more certain unknown)

I hope I am not alone in this but I do have a confession to make.

I find most mens wallet designs woefully inadequate. The crux of the problem is not in the note storage, personal identification compartments or even business card sleeves. The problem is all in the change.

Typically mens wallets have a small pocket which after you have a few business cards and coins becomes hard to access and takes the skin off your fingers if you try to find a coin. Exacerbating my plight are the helpful shop keepers of Italy who are always trying to get coins out of me so I can keep my precious notes.

Work arounds include carrying coins loose in your pockets. Carrying loose coins in your man bag. Carrying loose coins in your hands. This is not ideal. To this end I propose…….

The man purse!

The man purse is shaped like a small shopping till. Its large calcuator front allows you to punch in your desired legal tender. It then dispenses the notes and coins with the grace of a well oiled bank teller.

Sound outlandish ?

Good.

We are still in the port of Viareggio. Italians master of excellence Benetti are still wading through a list of warranty items. We have had a Yacht broker on board for a month. Hopefully he will go home soon. He is a pain.

Our possible could be might be owners seem nice enough. I have been hard at work getting to grips with the crazy Mexican set up entertainment system. There is a lot of redundant hardware and some practical kiwi engineeruity has come in handy ensuring that I can listen to flight of the conchords or my favourite DJ on any part of the boat.

Perish my ego but learning seamanship has been quite a learning curve. All of the can do attitude in the world can not make up for time at sea. My Captain delights in telling me to do things and expecting me to automatically know how to do them. This is usually when we are docking, manoeuvring or something mission critical.

To fast track my soon to be all encompassing knowledge of everything nautical I bought a huge book from Amazon.

The Chapmans Piloting & Seamanship book is a weighty tomb. I only wish it was full of magic spells.

Which brings me to my next segue.

I found a magicians hat in my cabin last night. Rest assured the wizards robe and hat ensemble on a Super Yacht photos are coming soon.

Speaking of my cabin I am going to have to share it soon. We are going to have a replacement first mate in the next week. With some mild face book stalking I have discovered he can spin tunes. We will get on just fine. I do not know where we are going to fit decks in our cabin though.

This is perfect. Bring on the monkey month!

This Monkey month is just up your street! Dragons are enlivened by the antics of the Monkey who, bye the bye, approves of the you and admires your majesty. There’s nothing you and your ego like more than having your majesty idolized… so this month promises to be a high point in the year for you. Work should be moving ahead swimmingly as you may be taking the lead on new projects and seeing them through. You ought by now to have settled into something of a routine and got used to the rapid pace which flummoxed you at first. The most telling thing about this month of August for you Dragons is the huge hint that you will be sent on a smashing voyage somewhere exotic and brand new to you. Could be your work will take you to Dubai or Singapore or even to some mysterious venue you never thought you would have the chance to visit in your lifetime. Could be temples or medieval castles or wild animals will be present in your August 2009. The signs are there. You will travel- and it will be exciting. At the start of the year when you were keeping such a low profile and not having much walloping fun, I don’t think you expected the year to evolve as favorably as it has. Much of course has to do with your superb ability to make things happen, not lose face or confidence and carry through on the promises you make.

Get your Chinese star signs here.

A follow up to my Friday night in Livorno pictorial.

We are looking after the boat tonight. Let us see what we can do.

That looks pretty good but it could be better. To the galley!

A concoction of some merit.

Much better

Uh oh we have run out of this cocktail…….

A clock work orange. Hastily amended the “Five O’clock work Orange”

Tastes pretty sweet.

On a slightly serious note. Apparently yachting is not as cool as it used to be.

Obviously.