These LinesMy Way With Words

During our trip to south east Asia we got talking to a squadron of Japanese salary men in a karaoke bar. I’m not one for singing when there is perfectly good drink to be quaffed. Our broken English conversation meandered on to one of my life long loves. Nintendo and gaming

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It was during this slightly inebriated interchange that I let loose with one of my more fanciful theories. Curing the worlds ills with gaming and how Nintendo is perfectly positioned to do this and make a nice sum of money at the same time.

Cue a faintly familiar kidnapping but with less drama; we were traipsed away onto a jet to Kyoto, Japan. My increasingly zany ideas that had I had rarely dare to utter in public had attracted the attention of Satoru Iwata and I was going to work in R&D at Nintendo’s headquarters.

On the eve of my first release I am finally able to share my vision for making the world a better place through a new series of training games and a hint of the big picture.

War is Stupid Training

Nintendo DS – conveniently packaged and equipped with a parachute and landing crate for war zone deployment. War is Stupid Training is the latest in the highly popular training games. With just a few minutes a day the hardest trained soldier or zealot will be a peace loving pacifist in less than a week.

Through clever use of subliminal messaging and patented “reality check” environmental data modeling. Gamers are urged to ask hard questions of command. Data sharing is possible via WiFi and the only way to unlock various parts of the game is by playing wirelessly with combatants from the other side.

Take some Time out to Think Training.

Do you know how little people actually think or day dream during an average day? Far to little. Thinking is very important, but by and large my observations are that most people think very little and when they do it is often to late. TTTT encourages daily cognitive and chimerical dalliances.

Positive Affirmation Training

Following on from common sense training for every person that has felt discouraged or has given up on a dream. PAT invigorates long dormant yearnings with its handily placed deep regressive hynoptic eye camera attachment. Supportive and studious this title promises to be the massaging wheelchair that everybody needs sometimes.

My last title is incredibly secret. It is actually such a huge title I have not been able to get my brain and all of the resources around to even begin a specification. It requires a huge investment and Nintendo is famously conservative in its approach to the market. Thankfully, as is with most places I spend time in, it is becoming less conservative. I can only give you a hint as what my next game entails.

Consider this the briefest respite from my increasingly tall tales. I pause now to sing a merry song lauding my fantastic good luck and current abode. Recent weather patterns have not been beneficial to the single greatest perk of staying here.

Had I wanted to walk, I need not have. We have the technology!

The Segway Human Transporter has been changing the world in its own fashion. Hence it is no surprise that I end up living in a house rammed full of Segway paraphernalia. There is even a certified Segway engineer here who can attend to both Segway and my own needs.

I jest of course, I am not due for a service for a couple of hundred years yet and it would be a great disservice to Philip Bendall to confuse him with my increasingly odd biology.

Philip is New Zealand’s very own Segway distributor. He was the proud owner of New Zealands very first Segway. Since then he has sold Segways and has run a promotions company. Philip and his partner Katie opened their home to us before we move away and for that we are very grateful.

Where were we? The weather had been appalling and not very Segway friendly. Even after three sunny days I had dared not venture out from the Segway lair. It was warm and we both enjoy being plugged in when the climate is not very clement.

Today however, I ventured out on a Segway. I had forgotten what a positively invigorating experience it is. The wind streaming through my hair, The gentle vibrations coursing through my legs. On returning home I remarked. “it feels like I have been doing something healthy”

Which got me thinking, what if it was healthy? There are bound to be a few cynics out there saying “why don’t you just walk?” But reason and common sense will always be the poor cousins to rampant technology. It is the human way.

Segway vibration training is the answer. Those very same gentle vibrations I remarked upon could be strengthened sending powerful jolts through your body and causing muscle twitch and fibre damage in one sharp movement. After a couple of minutes of Segway vibration training you will be begging to walk.

Segway Joust takes Segway polo and throws you on your head, literally. I actually did a trial run of this earlier in the year. Unfortunately my man of arms was unruly and we were a Segway short but the concept is proven.

Segways are charged by a wall socket but there is no reason for them not to be chargeable by kinetic energy. A stationary exer-cycle inside a gymnasium could provide the charge for a segway. It makes sense that people expending energy not going anywhere could help someone on a Segway move.

I do believe I am getting a bit silly now. My imagination is spent. My heartfelt thanks to Phil & Katie for our time here. I will miss the segways, but Thailand has something just as grand.

ELEPHANTS!