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On my feet

Feet are sacred in Thailand, well they are seen as Tapu or dirty so i am at odds to say i have royally desecrated my poor soles. From that first fresh morning of high intensity jandal galloping which left me with numerous chaffing blisters. The rigours of scooter riding only goaded me into believing four wheels was best leaving my ankles bereft of many layers of skin.

The final(dare I hope) straw was this morning. Ironically and stupidly I had earlier boasted about how i would upload a photo of my poor feet. As I stepped out the door to collect my Wife’s shoes(another irony). My eyes happened upon the largest pool side mountain ever to wear a pair of speedos. My overloaded candor was such that as i turned to make a heartfelt comment to my wife I did the following work of art on the door frame.

There is surely a lengthy proverb in there but i think a simpler truth is needed for me. If your shoes fit wear them. If my tales of self harm have you thinking I am some later day Jackass reincarnate I assure you I am actually quite fond of my body, preferably intact.

Connecting further dots. It was with some relief we came across this huge statue in Ayutthaya. She was reclining, looked beautiful but had really sore feet obviously.

More photos in the usual spots. Or you can just click this link.

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Fashionably Late

Alas, I have been laid low with a tropical illness and have been unable to write or do much else. Like a fallen super hero I have moped around our temporary abode cursing and waving my fingers at flat objects. The words have not appeared. It was with mountainous relief last night that my wife uttered the heart warming words. “You must be getting better you are getting annoying again” So not a second too late I sit in front of my faithful EEE and will plot and recount our trip again.

I found some more evidence for the happiness that pervades Thai culture. Conversely I would not like to come across these at night time. The usually bland fashion mannequins are different. Imagine your local fashion precinct with mannequins like these.

Sweet dreams….

We are leaving the tranquility of Koh Tao today and will be heading through Bangkok on our way to Thailand’s second largest city Chiang Mai. There we have a diplomatic mission to complete with an expatriate New Zealander. We will then head north to the border of Laos and a spot of Elephant trekking. Through Laos into Vietnam will be our next jaunt. I hope you can hang around.

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A Funny thing

Happened to me on the bottom of the sea today. A small cleaning fish attached itself to my four wheeled horse injuries and attempted to clean them up. Now this would have been a bit more than ironic if it had been a sea horse. Hence I was pleasantly amused and a little sketched out when the second fish I laid eyes on was a clown fish. Made famous by you guessed it…... Finding Nemo. Monstorous celestine coincidences aside, SCUBA diving is incredible fun and now I am PADI certified for open water diving I will be embarking on the advanced course. Thoughts come a bit slower at high pressure but are good all the same.

A couple more insights. Nothing says you are a bit more than a bit eccentric when you turn up to the last day of your PADI course in a wizards robe. I have been liberally applying business cards to choice candidates. If you are reading this and have one of my cards, consider yourself in the official cool club.

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A note to myself

Meditate more! I am becoming somewhat of an authority and an expert on receiving massages. Apart from the numerous health benefits there is one peculiar and welcome side affect. An enforced prolonged meditative state. This tends to cause my brain to throb, and all the thoughts bundled up inside it make numerous noises, until I am sitting in front of a keyboard. This is particularly annoying when trying to sleep the night before formal learning.

Thai massage has an interesting style. What I like about it most is that it is non repetitive and it uses interesting body weight contortions that make me think of the dawn of the WWF in the playgrounds of the 80’s.

I started my PADI course yesterday. It is a small class and a largely humorous informal affair. Today we will be getting in the pool and completing our theory before entering the open water tommorrow. Some of the insights are fantastic and could be applied to out of water experiences.

-When faced with vertigo hug your buddy
-Always breath, never hold your breath
-Animals always act defensive
-If you can sneak up on it, it is probably a plant

Captain Nemo still taunts me. I saw this yesterday in town.

More is not always better. After giving scooters a paragraph or two I thought it would be wise to hire the services of a quad bike for koh tao. Good farming stock are often riding quad bikes before they can walk. But I have found that the quad bikes that live on islands are close relations to the garden variety horse. Loud and stroppy due to a diet of two stroke fuel. The island quad bikes need constant throttle and a well timed kick to maintain the engine running. It was this kicking motion that soon got the better of me. Even though I had prepared as best I could the horse/quad bike was soon kicking me back. I now wear a proud memento(in the form of a huge bruise on my foot) from my battles on four wheels and will be staying well away in future.

I wrote a small thing yesterday whilst I was waiting for our dive course to start. I can only call it a thing because that is what it is. It is not my best work or my worst but some of you may enjoy it all the same. Think of it the next time you are waiting…..

Waiting is worst when you have spent money, but is it wise to wonder you have wasted your wage? Perhaps it is prudent to be proud of your patience and instead just forget to pay.

I have recently learned the power that a writer wields whilst traveling. If you want to scare anyone in the service industry mention that you are a travel writer. If you want to scare anyone who is being rude to you mention that you are fiction writer researching your next work. If you need an excuse for tapping on a keyboard whilst people are getting drunk around you say you are a writer with a deadline.Easy huh?

I completed a four hour session in a pool and an exam today for my PADI training. I was not particularly inspired whilst being under water. All I could think about was how the pool was far worse than my local pond.

I know it is rude to brag but if there was ever a pond worth bragging about it this is surely it.


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Worlds Smallest Porter

The trip to Koh Tao was a treacherous affair. Neptune had decided to burp up a storm which took a bit of weathering on the ferry ride. It was with some relief we sighted the turtle island. We navigated the throng of helpful people and came across a delightful mother and son offering portage. The son encapsulated the excellence that is Thai hospitality. Not only did he help to push our suitcases up a large hill which was brilliant. He pointed out his mothers ute with no difficulty. He then pointed out the ute tray handles and gave us the most incredible smiles!

I am going underwater for inspiration. This Tuesday I will start a 4 day PADI open water scuba diving course. Ever the thorough researcher I have been using the local pond to acclimatise myself.

Yes that is a multi terraced pond. Yes it has loungers. Yes it has a pond attendant. Who would have thought?

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A Jingle in the Jungle

During my last missive I wrote about the importance of having a soft toy or two. Please picture the following in your minds eye and if that fails use the carefully captured digital renditions. We had decided to venture in to the Jungle for a musical party. After lubricating ourselves thoroughly and communicating our intentions to every soul withins a miles radius we set off.

The journey was thoroughly enjoyable. We had preformed rudimentary reconnaissance by scooter the day prior. The trip was six minutes by two wheels. I have no idea how long it took by four. The taxi seemed to be using a motion blurring haze to disguise the length of trip.

We arrived. I took a photo of the entrance knowing it could be my last photo of the night. We spent a while getting covered in local jungle bug repellent. I chose a mosquito eating dragon.


We sat down and swilled some more refreshments. It was then a wild monkey befriended us. Looking strangely familiar it proceeded to make itself known to all and sundry. It even helped us to réhydrate ourselves by bucket.

The monkeys valiant efforts were not enough. We were still parched and longed for the quiet of our cabin. A true gentleman the monkey tried to hail a cab and when none appeared he drove us home. I can now safely say the only reason I am writing today is that a monkey drove me home. Another tick in my to do list.

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The increasing importance of soft toys

If I had any readers that I really needed to stop reading my blog, I hope that headline is enough. But of course all of my readership are enlightened souls with open minds that will enjoy this topical tangent.

My love affair with soft toys was rekindled at a BBQ of all things. Like most love affairs that form at BBQ’s it has been long running and made of the stuff worth writing about. It was the summer of 2001-2002 and one of the guests turned up with a well loved but slightly worse for wear cow. He proceeded to walk around with the cow all night, tell stories of how it had lost various appendages and its name which escapes me.This struck me as a charming way to make conversation and the sort of thing I should have been doing years ago. Luckily the person who did this is the smartest person I know so I am not too affronted.

Every person on this planet should have at least one soft toy companion. Preferably two. This would benefit the human race in a multitude of ways:

  1. The ever decreasing nuclear family.Did you know that in 1950 the average person had 8 people they could confide in and talk to for support? This number has shrunk drastically to 2 or 3 and it is criminal.(My statistics are a bit wonky with out the internet but all statistics are inherently wonky.) If you have a soft toy you can at least talk to it. That the soft toy does not talk back is not a problem. It looks less crazy than muttering to yourself. Trust me on this one.
  2. Soft toys are incredibly resilient. They require no food or water, just shelter. They will not complain if it is cold, and if they are not listening to your standards you can throw them around the room. After throwing them around the room and collecting excess dust and grime you can pop them in your washing machine. Try doing that with your best mate that you only talk to you when you have relationship problems!
  3. Soft toys are useful psychological profiling tools. You can garner a lot from some ones reaction by taking a soft toy to a sporting event or a dinner party.
  4. Soft toys are a dynamic, organically synthetic way to add colour and texture to any space. They will start conversations when there are none. They can be thrown at conversations when they need to stop.

I could go on for days but I think you can see my point. Perhaps it is best if you go and get a soft toy now. You can discuss its importance at length with it. I must go now as my cow is hungry and needs to have some breakfast.

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Scoot or Die

After the excitement of mechanized transport in Bangkok it was with some trepidation that we joined the carnival on wheels. I am happy to report we are yet to have had an accident and will be hiring another scooter now we are on Koh Phanang.

Koh Phanang is a lot less busy than Koh Samui which suits us. We are staying in a spot which is very close to the Psy Jungle Half Moon party, which we will be attending tomorrow night. Back to scooters though.

Scooters here are wild beasts. They are all at least 125cc models that is 2.5 times more powerful than the ones at home. They come in all shapes and sizes and we have seen some classic modifications which are truly inspired.

Fitting another person on a scooter is very easy. I have seen up to four boys riding one with ease. This morning we saw one with a whole car stereo configured in the front carry basket.

Weather looking a bit iffy? Take an umbrella or two. Need to take a kitchen sink? You can put one in the side trolley attachment. Most scooter drivers drive at a sedate 40-50 kms an hour. There are a few white knuckle types that push them at least 100kms an hour. This funnily enough is the leading cause of death for farengs(foriengers)

Road etiquette is maintained by liberal but gentle use of horn toot tones. If you are passing someone a gentle toot is administered to say hello, If someone needs to get out of the way several small tones are used. It is very rare that a long loud toot would be used. There is something to be learned there, rest of the world. We are yet to see an accident for all of this and yet to see a traffic enforcement. There may be another lesson in there.

The free internet dream is over. So is a power point for that matter. Still can not complain.

One more thing to add. If you ever need shoes with great stopping power. Asics Gel Kayano 14 will stop a runaway scooter in its tracks.


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Dog vs Teabag

Just a quick tale from Koh Samui today. We are packing up and heading to our next destination and for some reason my packing capability is limited when I am on a keyboard.

Dogs seem to rule life here in Thailand. I would wager that there are more dogs per square kilometer here than most places, K9heaven aside of course .

Where we are staying there are three dogs. A large Alsatian who is resort security. A smaller scruffy little fellow who tends to cause trouble and then hide beside occupied beach loungers. And a slippery rodent like dog I have named Ratty.

Ratty is undoubtedly the boss of the place. She is the first to bark and the last to back down. She bullies the scruffy fellow and generally ponce’s around looking mischievous. Yesterday whilst we were having lunch the little scamp sneaked into the kitchen and scurried out quite proud of her self with a small packet.

At first I thought she had found a packet of dried meat or some other tasty treat. Hence I watched with some interest as she diligently pried the prized parcel open. It was not until I saw the hint of a tea bag that I chuckled. Most dogs at this point would have probably turned up a nose and walked away. But not ratty, she worked away on that tea bag until it opened spilling its contents onto the concrete floor. At this point she snuffled and the first dried tea leaves hit her nostrils, not discouraged then continued to drag the tea bag across the floor. She then proceeded to lick up a couple of lines of her brew. By now I thought she was truly mad and it was with some relief that she finally walked away probably to prey on scruffy. Truly a dog’s life.

I have had my first donation! This was cause for some celebration this morning. In case you have not noticed I have added a paypal donation button to this page. If you are feeling particularly altruistic, happy and wish to continue reading about dogs eating teabags, please make a donation. It is reasonably painless and you will feel incredible.

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Quiet, I am from the future

I have discovered the deliciousness that is not knowing what the time is. I relish in this, and my only real time gauge is when I am hungry and when the sun goes down.

As a mark of respect for my origin I have kept my computer on New Zealand time. This serves a couple of useful tasks. One; it makes communicating with people back home easier, two; it lets me say I am from the future.

Far from cultivating a casually disinterested look we are still garnering a lot of attention. This attention sometimes has a hidden agenda. There are three basic questions.

Where are you from?

How long have you been here for?

Where are you going?

After these questions are answered a canny salesman knows the following.

-Your native tongue
-How much local knowledge you have blogged about
-How much ’advice’ they can ram into you

Being a gullible Gulliver it has been far to easy to be truthful which leads to frustration. In my minds eye I have played out various techniques for dissuading the most agreeable adherent..

Start speaking gibberish from the outset. A hodge podge of dialect which not even a well programmed C3PO could translate.

Start asking questions. Pull out a survey board and ask for a few moments of the persons time.

Pretend I am a local. Very hard given that I am still mutilating my limbs on an hourly basis.

But I do believe I have the answer. I am from the future. Let me explain my reasoning.

-It is truthful.
-It is mildly mind boggling
-What on earth could you sell to someone from the future?( I hope I do not look like an intergalactic antique collector)

I shall try this today!

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