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The antidote for Hanoinsanity was discovered last night. I have a list of reagents and a method to share.

Add one Jazz bar
3 Welsh People
2 Kiwis
1 Spaniard
2 Bottles of Gin
A broom
One large flower

Simmer loudly for 3 hours. When the band stops try and commandeer the instruments. After being politely ejected take to the road and integrate with the local population.

Fellow scientists I do not remember your names but you all have my card. Thank you for the successful experiment. Please send panadol.

It has been a while since I have been enveloped by full sensory derangement. The flight to Hanoi was uneventful, Laos Airlines are a great way to fly. Our baggage was flagged as disinteresting and we began the negotiations to purchase passage to Hanoi.

Numerous taxi horror stories litter the pages of travelfish and we were advised to take a minibus. A minibus was found and we were advised to patiently wait inside. It appears the minibuses have an ulterior motive. They are used to roast tourists in 35 degree heat until they stagger out ready t0 hitch a ride on a sturdy looking garbage truck if one is handy.

So a taxi was chosen. The motorway and massive bridge into Hanoi was impressive and it was in Hanoi that the experience really took off. The scooter to car ratio in Hanoi must be about 50-1 and you do not feel safe in a car. I imagine a sloth with an allergy to bees wandering into a bee convention would feel safer.

The taxi promptly tried to drop us off at the wrong hotel. A suspiciously helpful ‘reception’ man met us on the street, told us our hotel was full and he could help us out. After asking him why he was not working on reception, leaving the car and checking that the name of the hotel was in fact not our hotel and using a few choice expletives we managed to get the taxi to take us to the right street. The taxi tried to triple charge us our fare. Luckily my chief war time negotiator was on hand to do some hard talking.

Sadly our hotel was fully booked. The negotiator was sent off on reconnaissance and after bypassing one we have found a very good hotel. The one we skipped tried to show us one of their rooms, which was full, and pass us off to this other one for the same price. My negotiator got very bossy and made sure they showed us the room we could actually stay in, at a separate hotel, which we got at a better price. The lady then managed to ring us here to try and get our business back for tomorrow night, saying hers was nicer, which is a truth bend of magnificent proportions!! Got to love persistence I think.

Hanoi is very beautiful it has to be said. We are looking forward to exploring over the next couple of days on foot. But first we have to get food. Wish us luck!

Currently waiting on flight that will take us to Hanoi, Vietnam. Our knowledge of Vietnam is limited and tainted by a steady diet of war movies and period pieces. We will head south towards Saigon. The only thing I really have my heart set on is spending a couple of days on China beach surfing. When in doubt, skip the war and head for R&R.

Today we took the enlightened step of hiring a couple of bicycles for transport. Let it be duly noted that riding a bicycle is just as easy as riding a bicycle.

The steeds that one would hire in south east Asia come in one of two flavours. A adventurous looking mountain bike resplendent with gears, shock absorbers and neon paint. The second more desirable option is a lazy looking retro model, no gears and if you are lucky a bell to ring.

The benefits of cycling the streets are numerous and it is a crime that more concessions are not given to cyclists in more developed countries. After a good stint of cycling today I have a few findings to share with you all.

-The brakes on bicycles work better than scooters and quad bikes

-It is far easier to smile whilst riding a bicycle

-Cycling lends itself very well to recording ride-by videography.

It is both satisfying and irksome that the drunken antics of Dunedin’s student population can make the state newspaper of Laos. Intermingled amongst flooding, politics and employment vacancies I spied this nugget.

Please excuse the burry image. Write it down as artistic licence. The picture quality directly mimics the quality of the article.

Rest assured I am now convinced the population of Laos believes New Zealanders have drunken riots on the streets battling police every weekend. The sad thing is that this is almost true.

New Zealand. Making news about not much but it is still news somewhere so its ok alright.

Chur.

I am yet to see an amphibian carnivore relic from 200 million years ago, but I have seen a lot of the footwear that share the same name. Crocs are much maligned shoes of questionable durability and certainly do not flatter the feet. However yesterday we went on a mountain trek and our main guide wore a pair of them. He treks three times a week and it is blindingly obvious benefits of crocs are

– They do not require socks
– They are water friendly
– He did not slip over once

Our trek was charming. Our party consisted of one trail blazing Korean, a lady from Manila, Anna and myself. We had two Laos guides one wearing Crocs and one wearing jandals. The croc wearing one was the same age as me. He had spent most of his adult life working in a copper mine and by good fortune had started working as a guide for the last 6 months. A good example of how tourism benefits developing countries.

Our first hour of walking was meandering through rice and corn farms. The first bridge we crossed was the worst. It was a bamboo and wire contraption of dubious quality. It had the endearing quality of tilting at the worst possible times. It also had several large holes. Still I have a new found appreciation for bamboo. It was after we had crossed the bridge our guide told us that the bridge had collapsed recently and 15 people had fallen into the river. These little timely reminders were a hallmark of our trek. I suspect our guide will end up working in public relations, he had an uncanny ability to deliver bad news.

Up through a mountain pass we ambled. Recent rain had rendered our path very muddy so it was slow progress. We had time to learn about various critters. Danger ants were to be avoided. I suspect they are also known as army ants. At times I felt like a large rhino as most of the guides warnings came too late. I did manage to destroy some thorn bushes and tenderly remove some loose rocks and branches. Subsequent rhinos might find the trail easier work.

Over and down into a valley we headed to a hut for lunch. The hut was surrounded by a small herd of cows. Kebabs and fried rice were dished up and I asked our guide about a large sign with a predominant price.

Translated it means; if you steal any of my cows and sell them at the local market you will be fined 2 Million kip.

After lunch we headed up the valley to the water fall. Physically this was the hardest part of the day. Incredibly slow and hard progress. It was with some relief we heard the comforting roar of the water fall. We all had a swim, both of our guides jumped 15 meters from the top of the waterfall into the pool. Sadly I did not have any crocs or jandals handy and could not join them.

Refreshed we headed back down the valley. Half way down the hill we heard a loud shot ring out. Later we were to find out that the surrounding hills are a popular pig hunting spot. The final stage of the trip was going under the mountain pass through a large cave. Before we entered the pitch black water in the cave we were asked if we could swim. At times we were walking through waist deep water. It was after the deepest part of the water our guide told us of a python that had been living in the cave a while back.

Actual photo of me directly after this news.

The rest of the trek was very pleasant. We continued to learn new Laos words and quizzed our guide on all manner of things. For example the small platforms that found on the side of every rice fields are for farmers to sit with torches to scare away mice at night.

We are now in the capital of Laos, Vientiane. We will spend the next three days organising our visas for Vietnam and the next stage of our trip.

A must do in Vang Vieng is a lazy ride down the local river on a tractor tyre inner tube. A tuk tuk drops you about 4 kilometres up the river. In the rainy season it takes about one hour to make the trip, but there are many distractions.

The distractions are a worthwhile lesson in promotion and marketing for any aspiring entrepreneur. They certainly kept our pod of tubers entertained.

Lesson 1: Provide free fun information to potential customers

Lesson 2: Provide bait for your customer and when they see the bait have a large hook ready.

The ability of the riverside bar attendants to haul in customers was a marvel to see..

Lesson 3: Your bait should be exhilarating. If your customers are not ready to be exhilarated your core product should ease them into it.

This person who resembles me may have enjoyed a lot of product.

Lesson 4: To help facilitate purchasing your core product you should have an incentive system.

Free whiskey shots. He swore it was ginger in the bottom of the bottle.

Lesson 5

Leave your patrons with a nice reminder of how wonderful your place of business is.

Not a bad Friday. What did you get up to?

Footnote

The title for this post is a play on words from the seminal skateboarding movie of the early 90’s gleaming the cube

Riding the concrete snake south over the formidable mountain range of Laos was a marvelous experience. Our driver was quite the singer and intermingled his enthusiastic tooting with a full range of song although his female renditions were a bit lacking.

The van had a current registration but also a curious lack of seat belts. This was not a concern as we rarely went over 50 kilometers an hour. At one point I was counting the winding road signs, I soon gave up after 30.

Laos is a country of misty mountains. Driving up through cloud cover prolongs the sensation you might have tasted whilst being in a plane.On our descent from the mountain range I spotted a fantastic mountain. I could imagine a city of dwarves or some other subterranean race living under this beauty.

It was on our final leg to Vang Vieng we happened upon a group less fortunate than us. A reminder to wear your seat belts if you have any.

Vang Vieng the town is a tad disappointing after the wondrous architecture of Luang Prabang. Travel fish does recommend walking 1km in any direction from the centre of town to get over this. The scenery is amazing. Limestone cliffs, jungle and rushing rivers. I think we will be here for a few days.

It was with some trepidation we left the confines of Luang Prabang to find the fabled waterfalls today. Mother nature decided to indulge us in some forced precipitation participation(rain). The wife took some coaxing, but using my finely honed navigational instincts I was able to convince her that the waterfalls were directly under the small patch of blue sky in the distance.

So off we set a motley crew of ten French, Dutch, Japanese and Kiwis. Our driver drove an interesting diesel van. It can not rain here often, or at least it has not rained convincingly since the van passed its last certification in 2005. The drivers side window wiper was not functioning. When the drivers vision was impacted badly by moisture we would stop on the side of a road and hail a waiter to clean the windscreen. Service with a smile.

Our final destination was magical. Bears who would have been destined for the black market live in relative paradise and one of them posed for a photo. It was on the way to the water falls I noticed a distinct difference between Thailand and Laos tourism. In Thailand there are safety signs that no one takes heed of. In Laos there are no signs. What should have been a sedate walk to the source of the thundering falls took on a whole new dimension with the added rain boost.

It was after the walk we happened upon two natives of Cairns, Australia. An inspirational couple who were on the Laos leg of a trip. After a shared dinner I feel a bit wiser and very content. Not a bad day. Weather, you like it or not.

A new country means new words to learn and a new currency to handle. Language wise Laos is very similar to Thai, the currency however is not. It has a neat name -Kip – but the conversion factor means dividing Kip but 250 to get Baht. All I can add is listen to your maths teachers kids, even when they have hairs growing out of every facial cavity.

Another striking thing about Laos is the inversion of road lanes. Colour me ignorant but I always expected to be pulling out onto route 66 or some other locale and be at odds with the directions cars were coming at me. Therefore it was mildly con fuddling to be overwhelmed by a swarm of scooters and bicycles crossing the road last night.

My feet took a hammering this morning. There could be a pattern emerging. I will blame the last bout of foot fatigue on the incredible French Asian architecture that adorns the streets of Luang Prabang. So, enamored with the sights this morning, it was well after an hour and half of stumbling and photo snapping that I retired footsore and singing the song of the chronically moaning.

Tomorrow we are heading for a waterfall and animal park. The waterfall has restorative powers that have been lying dormant waiting for the visit of a footsore traveler.

last sentence could be true, in fact I am hoping quite hard that it is true.