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If you had told me before today that I would willingly pay to sit in a bath full of mud I would have heaped lavish amounts of spoken dirt and wet wit upon you(mudslung).

We almost did not make it. We set off from the heart of Nha Trang shortly after lunch in search of the mineral mud complex. We had vague directions and perhaps boldly thought a swarm of helpful scooter tourist guides would surround us and guide us into the mud. It was not to be. It is heartening to know there is a limit to how many country roads we can scooter blindly down before we start asking questions. The answers were cryptic. One bunch of bystanders wanted to send us back to Hanoi and another fellow tried to send us off to recruit in the Vietnamese army.

At wits end we convinced a scooter taxi to drive to the mud and we followed him. He did not lose us and we managed to find salvation in a bath of mud. There is something strangely satisfying about immersing yourself in a bath full of mud. Mineral mud smells great and covers up commuting ailments instantaneously.

Calling the Nha Trang mineral pools complex a bath full of mud is disingenuous. You can lounge in the sun caked in mud after you have your bath. You can then be hosed with high pressure mineral water jets. There are a variety of hot mineral water pools and there is even a waterfall. Before you leave make sure you take the time to buy a tub of souvenir ex foliating mud just in case you have a harrowing scooter excursion again.

The Thap Ba Hot Spring Centre is situated at 25 Group Ngoc Son Hamlet. Don’t take a scooter unless you have a good map or you want something to write about.

After the banquet of massage services that Thailand and Laos provide, Vietnam is decidedly spartan. Words from the wiser, the massage services that are promoted by tuk tuk drivers in Hanoi are not medicinal in the slightest.

Still we found a gem in Hoi An.

Mrs Phoc and her family do a decidly professional job of providing massages in Hoi An. A beauty parlour is at the front of her shop. With the slight draw of a curtain the three tables at the back transform into a decidedly inviting place to lie down and let someone else’s fingers do the talking.

Pressure points are still firmly found but if I was to describe the massages in a few sentances it would be like this. They attack from the sides. The openings between muscles and bones are interogated. My feet in particular were given such a rigorous attack I had to stifle many a manly squeal.

Money well spent all in all and where else would you receive a kiss on the cheek from the massage matron at the end of your treatment.

The Phuoc Beauty Salon can be found on the corner of Nguyen Duy Hieu and Pham Hong Thai Streets in Hoi An.

She can be contacted on 09 05629026 email thienlongnu@yahoo.com

Travelfish correctly labels Hoi An a delightful tourist trap of Disneyland proportions. It is incredibly picturesque, full of restaurants, tailors, bag and shoe makers. However it is the little things that stand out for me.

Hoi An by night

The local rubbish truck does its beat playing an ice cream truck like tune. Not what you would expect and I can’t help thinking all city services could be improved with musical accompaniment .

As dusk falls, street vendors begin to pepper the restaurants and roads with a sortie of goods and services.

a real little drummer boy

Hoi An and Vietnam has fantastic food. Most restaurants have huge menus. I counted one with over 30 pages. Several of them have grass growing on the table instead of floral arrangements. That is right, standard, lawn variety grass.

Grass

I think I should be taking more photos of the food here. It makes a welcome change from landscapes and buildings.

Grilled chicken breast with garlic and sesame seeds cooked in banana leaf.

We hired a scooter yesterday and were afflicted with a new annoyance. Drive by tourism information. Wearing a backpack flags y0u as needing help it appears. After going through the talking while scootering motions a few times we thought it may be better to pretend not to know english. I did get to try my Russian accent though so all is not lost. Not many Vietnamese know Russian it appears.

Periodically I lurch into the depths of the internet scouring its bowels for ways to increase my readership. This proves largely depressing for reasons that I will cover soon – but I will not call it completely fruitless.

The problems with using blogging as a medium for writing are numerous. If you go out to see what blogs are really successful they are usually devoted to one thing.

How to improve your blog

Do you see my frustration? To become truly successful I must write about something that I have no interest in writing about. Which makes me wonder…. were any of the successful blogs writing about anything worth reading before they became successful? Do I want to become successful? I think not! Of course in my own mind I am a raging success so I bat my eyelids and blink as the cameras flash around me.

If you burrow a bit further you will find whole websites devoted to the self promotion of blogs. These places are refuges for depraved blog junkies desperate for that next hit. I can only visit them for a while without feeling physically ill.

My other gripe is the word blog… for someone like me who has been writing and ranting on for close to ten years on the internet the word blog is highly offensive and necessary at the same time.

Want a blast from the past?

Go and read this crazy news from a decade ago

Do you know what word makes blog look pretty. Blogosphere. I am part of that word I am contributing to it and so are you by reading this blog. Are you feeling ok? Take a stiff drink if you are not, I am hic.

Now I have got that off my chest. I can get down to my solution.

If you look to the left of this writing you will see a new section above the bright red official UPFM sound track button that you click every time you visit. It is my new follower section. There is a good chance if you have read all of this you are a follower of this blog. Now you can announce it to the world!

Or just click this link

Easy, I think.

Read carefully, this might be hard to follow. Stop reading if it starts to hurt and please consult a doctor first.

As we have followed our route through this part of the world one of the amusing things for me has been the generous manipulation of time and distances quoted for journeys. There is no method in the distortion, just madness. Being an expert on all things mad I will attempt to comprehend and explain for you all.

It is as if the local cartographers and chronography guilds have been on strike for the past few years. This is all the more poignant given the abundance of time keeping devices and lonely planet guide books that are sold every 10 paces. Actually after giving it a couple of seconds more thought it is no wonder the guilds are on strike given the dubious authenticity of the books and watches being sold at every ten paces.

Still it makes traveling all the more exciting. One never knows if 5 minutes in in fact 5 minutes or a whole hour. Is 20 kilometers 20 kilometers, 20 miles or 200 kilometers ? Traveling by road seems to be the worst culprit, especially when in a bus. The time quoted as far as I can fathom is the optimum time for the driver to drive an empty bus from point a to point b without stopping. There is a delicate balance which exists between when someone will think a bus trip is too long and will chose to fly or catch a train. The optimum times sit upon these thresholds.

Rail can be challenging. I actually have a theory that railway stations should be named railway stationaries. You can spend a lot of time – stationary – waiting for a train, even at the station of origin. Mountains of irony for all!

When we checked in for our sole flight from Laos to Vietnam I was flummoxed and appreciative of the computerised flight information screens. They had printed apology stickers on every screen saying that the information could not be trusted.

If you are traveling in this part of the world add at least 2 hours onto any trip time quoted. Do not trust distances, they may be as the crow flys. Think of them combined as the hungry drunk crow flying and you will not be surprised.

Hue pronounced Hway is the historical capital of Vietnam. With a population of 340,000 and sitting astride the delightfully named Perfume river it is a welcome stop on the journey south from Hanoi.

Yesterday we took a motorcycle tour of Hue and the surrounding area. Small private motorcycle tours are recommended by travelfish and the benefits are obvious after taking one. We used Mr Phuoe and he was a fount of information, laughs and craftily drawn maps scribed in the dirt.

Mr Phuoe can be found at the Long Cafe 19 Hung Vong – Hue City Tel 054 820800

Rather than cheapen the experience with an exhaustive regurgitation I will share some of the insights gained and include photos where possible.

We have been lucky to hit one of the rice harvesting seasons in Vietnam. The full life cycle of rice was learned. Some mechanization has occurred but it remains a very labour intensive exercise. One of the things that I found interesting was the symbiotic relationship between duck farmers and rice farmers. Both benefit from sharing land use. The ducks are diligent stewards and are fattened at the same time.

Our first real stop was a Vietnamese village with an interesting bridge. A childless mother commissioned the work of the bridge to bring her a child. She remained childless but became the mother of the whole village. The bridge had neat bench seats for relaxing and our guide was on hand to demonstrate. The bridge also serves as an informal meeting place for elderly men during the day, a place to talk, drink and smoke in the shade.

I have been missing seeing Buddhist monks in Vietnam. They are everywhere in Thailand and Laos. During the morning we learned that the Vietnamese follow a different flavour of Buddishm. Monks are monks for life and they only wear orange for praying and meditation. The rest of the time they wear brown. Often the first born son of a family is given to monk hood as it is believed it will bring good luck to the family. They also do not seek alms in the morning.

Monks praying

leaving the temple

The four supernatural creatures of Vietnam are the Unicorn, Dragon, Phoenix and Turtle.
The Turtle gains his supernatural status by benefit of his wisdom. It is good luck to rub a turtle statue head.

Mr Phuoe getting some free luck

Hue has seen its share of eccentric rulers. One character had 104 wives plus a suite of concubines. He also had a taste for Elephant and Tiger fighting. Not content with a fair but macabre spectacle the Tigers always had incisors removed and claws clipped. For royal reasons it was important that the Elephant always won. The Tigers still managed to cause havoc escaping rings of spear men and a carefully chosen island until the Tiger and Elephant arena was created.

Learning about Vietnam’s various battles other than the American war was very worthwhile. As discussed earlier my knowledge was all gained from TV and film. Being on the ground and learning from a local is invaluable.

View from gun emplacement on south side of the Perfume river

Just a small sample of a day in Hue and the rich history Vietnam has. If you are going to do a tour in Hue take a motorcycle one. All of the sites we visited were free and we were finished by lunch time. Bus and boat tours are slower, longer and tend to stick to admission fee only places of interest.

Last night; Barack Obama was interviewing me. A nice chap and perfectly eloquent in my head. His appearance rallied my thoughts for a campaign that I am sure you will all support.

For years now Canadians and Kiwis have had the challenge of being miss branded as Americans and Australians by virtue of our accents. A small and slight one which up until now has had no solution. I had a dream and a solution.

The next time you feel the need to guess a persons place of origin by the way they speak. Choose the more subtle country. The benefits are numerous and astounding.

Americans and Australians love a joke as much as anyone.
-Help to readdress a historical miss balance
-Whilst traveling, befriending stray Kiwis and Canadians is very beneficial
-Some Americans and Australians are country embarrassed and would love to be mistaken for their quieter cousins. Americans in particular love to be mistaken for Canadians. I would wager it is the single best thing you can do for them that doesn’t include guns, red meat or petrol.

This theory can be applied to sections of the UK without difficulty. Unfortunately I can not speak for other parts of the world. If people can report in with findings it would be great.

After a second visit Hanoi is slightly less bewildering. The old quarter has a lot of appeal, especially in the grand specialisation that has occurred. If You want shoes you can go the shoe street, you want toys you can visit the toy street and so on. Hanoi is close to a thousand years old and this is very humbling.

Ever the practicing optimist I have managed to turn my worryingly continuous loss of clothing into instant respect. Since purchasing and wearing a Vietnamese flag shirt I have noticed not only are the people friendlier I also feel safer crossing the road. I suspect that flag damage has a stiffer penality than pedestrian damage. Wearing a bright yellow star appeals to my sensibilities. Maybe you are what you wear. I certainly feel more self assured wearing a bright yellow star.

Last night we travelled by sleeper bus to the city of Hue. The sleeper buses in Vietnam are excellent. For about $65 dollars you can purchase an open ticket from the top to the bottom of Vietnam. The seat beds are well appointed with air conditioning, blankets and pillows. In fact if they had a restractable perspex cover you could be mistaken for feeling like you are on an intergalactic space colony ship. A point of interest for my ever well informed readership; the seats on the outsides of the bus are longer thus more accommodating for western bodies.

Today is Vietnam independence day. We are celebrating it in our own way(doing as little as possible). Even imagined intergalactic space travel has a huge body load. Thankfully my mind and fingers are operating at full capacity.

A world heritage recognised site, Ha Long bay does not dissapoint. A scintilating series of lime stone islands combine with turquoise water to create something very special. Steeped in myth, legend has it that a Dragon created Ha Long bay to keep the chinese from invading Vietnam with boats. Whilst not geologically correct I think its a perfectly admirable explaination for the landscape.

We left Ha long city on a mod-con equipped boat, little did we know of the cunning pun this entailed. After some very lazy cruising and photo snapping we stopped for lunch. We had a meal of it. The first hint of a con was our devoted crew devouring 6 tables worth of two of our menu items. The zeal and laughter that accompanied this daring feat was admirable.

Compared with the wild caves of Laos the caves of Ha Long bay were very tame but still very picturesque all the same. The carved steps and artificial lighting made taking photos very easy.



After a short period kayaking we desperately needed a swim. The crew indulged us with what had to have been the craziest mass swimming location short of a small bath. Deep water it was but it was infested with ravenous jelly fish. In retrospect it should have been obvious when none of the crew swam but stood on the boat to laugh and point out over intensly amorous stinging jelly fish. One of our befriended tourists, Tom from Oregon managed to dive head first into a large one and wore wounds for the rest of the trip. Whilst I admire Toms efforts to make the page of my blog I wish it could have been under better circumstances, luckily he did not dissapoint.

As the sun went down a nice dinner was served. We all proceeded to get very merry. We managed to quaff ourselves to sleep before the kareoke carnage began. Tom managed to battle out some spoken word Vietnamese Folk pop. A true gentleman Tom also managed to drink himself into a bar tab dilema the next morning. It was by finding the jelly fish and scarcificing himself as the most likely target for bar tab fraud that Tom gained fame and top marks in my book.

The rest of our trip was thankfully uneventful, plenty more good photo opportunities and a delightful lunch at a resturant in Ha Long city. All in all a grand voyage full of tall tales, scandal and American heroics.

Footnote. Am having a devil of a time with the computer I am using here in Hue. I will add more photos soon. Never let pictures get in the way of a good story!

The bouts of hanoinsanity and subsequent cure left us a bit out of sorts yesterday. It could have had something to do with the increased alcohol consumption that seems to accompany such fruitful field exercises. I am not yet convinced and will devote more time to this ground breaking research in the future.

It appears that even impending fame has a price. I have been losing clothes regularly during our trip. The only rational explanation is that various purveyors of laundry services have been appropriating items of my clothing for future auctions. Whilst I am flattered I am also running out of t-shirts. The first lady of this fantastic blog has also lost a singlet and a pair of shoes.

Today we went walkabout for about four hours. It appears the scooter riding population of Hanoi are vision impaired, hence they can not see red stop signs or pedestrian crossings. That said the city is full of neat things to gape at including ourselves.

Check out this video it almost does the scooter madness justice

We have organised a trip to Ha Long Bay. A huge shout out to Ernie Dingo and his lovely wife at Sinh cafe opentours . In between the free information about the number of concubines and wives previous Vietnamese dignitaries have had they put together a very competitive package and bus tour. We will be leaving Hanoi and visiting Ha Long Bay tomorrow

Please enjoy these photos of Hanoi. There are full sets up in the usual places.

Before you leave also enjoy the hypnotic chant bought to you by the gracious sponsors of this blog.

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