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Method Writing

One of my personal bug bears is reading about actors who pride themselves on method acting. As hard as becoming a drunk or sleeping in a coffin to research a role sounds some poor writer went broke living in a bar or worked at a funeral home to write the script the actor is reading from.

On Friday night I was commissioned to write the tale of one mans turbulent and sometimes torrid times in Thailand. This meant sinking into the depths of Chiang Mai and stepping outside my ever expanding comfort zone to give me first hand research.

It started innocently enough, six beers were purchased from an ever available 7-11 and we visited the subject for some harmless observation. It would have been incredibly harmless except for the candidates uncanny ability to induce fits of laughter and take us from one outlandish situation to another.

At one point we were subjected to a sound track of the wiggles and then the bold claim of an intended kamikaze. The kamikaze we learned was the stripping of ones shirt, commandeering a neighbours apartment and then a horizontal repell around a balcony into another appartment whos owner had lost his key.

From here we left the appartment to visit the ominously named Van. The trip itself was not without event. Sadly tuk tuks were in short supply but with some guile we gained passage on the back of a utility vehice. The Van is actually a fully functional transformer but instead of transforming into a useless human like figure the van transforms into a bar.

The Van

After nearly starting an international incident between New Zealand and Ireland we headed off to a more traditional night spot, Spicies. Spicies is a rich canvass to draw from. It is where all of the bar girls go after they finish work. It is also where most tourists and some of the truly desperate and depraved hang out. I affectionally branded the depraved as the Walrus. Spicies proudly adorned its entrance with this sign.

Unfortunately the music was sadly lacking along with the lady boys. My muse made like a pied piper and lead us off to the jovially named Lucky Bar. Lucky Bar is the last bar open. It is full of lady boys and it has incredible music. Unfortunately by this point our group had start to dissipate. We decided to eat an early breakfast it was 6am by this point.

Breakfast was novel in that I was proudly adopted as a husband by a nice chap who proceeded to massage me during my whole meal. Massage does improve ones digestion but sadly the vocal adulation caused me to laugh overly much with my mouth full.

My husband adopter

Method writing; it is harder than you think.

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String Theory

Over Thursday night I learned of a couple of distressing things.

-A good school friend, Gary Farr has been diagnosed with a blood disorder and is undergoing chemotherapy for treatment.
-The Dalai Lama had been hospitalised with gallstones.

The best thing to do was to locate the highest point of worship and make offerings to Buddha. Doi Suthep sits northwest of Chiang Mai. The road is very good it even has barriers which were a novelty after some of the roads we have encountered traveling. It took us about 20 minutes to reach the top with quick stop off at a waterfall.



Looking back at Chiang Mai from about half way

Upon reaching Don Suthep there is a mountain of stairs to climb.

Steeper than they look

After this physical pilgrimage it is nice to remove your footwear and take in the sights and sounds of a very special place. The views are stunning as are the various shrines and artifacts.





Under reconstruction

View of Chiang Mai from the very top

The absolute highlight was entering a temple and getting on you knees to receive a blessing from a monk. My knees are sadly not cut out for extended periods of worship but a nice touch is getting a cotton wrist band and a splashing of holy water accompanied with chanting. The wrist band is to be left on for two weeks and the wearer will receive good luck for the duration and after. It was during this time I thought of Gary and The Dalai Lama.

We left Don Suthep with our spirits buoyed. It had just began to spit rain as we descended. We commented on this jokingly as we were lucky it had not rained earlier. The rain increased in volume until it was bucketing down with such ferocity that we had to pause and reflect on the impressive luck Buddha was raining down upon us.

I have since learned that the Dalia Lama is out of hospital. I am not sure how Gary is but hopefully he can read this at some point.

And that my dear readership is advanced string theory.

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A Snails Place

Living out of a couple of bags for an extended period of time has given me an unique perspective on the traveling human condition. When seeking a new temporary habitat a new set of priorities have been learned and they shall probably remain with me for the rest of my earthbound days.

Stairs

Being the mule in our snail pod I carry the burden of transporting bags to and from our room. The grade and amount of stairs are always treated with trepidation. Vietnam in particular has incredibly steep stairwells. Elevators are a treat when they are found. The ground floor is nice but you do have to put up with more noise at night time. My next point is somewhat related.

Footwear

It behooves me to say that shoddy footwear can make for interesting stairs and stares especially when carrying a 20 kilo pack. Wearing running shoes is best but it is much harder to slip in and out of them. My jandals have been woeful companions causing numerous slips and slides. Thankfully I have not been mortally injured thus far (touching wood)

Food & Drink

A clever snail always watches alcoholic drink intake the night before moving locations. Snails become positively sluggish if they are not perfectly hydrated. Snails are also less prone to rash decisions if they have been fed prior to seeking lodging.

Shell Watching

There are some perks to being the mule snail. When important decisions are being made, offer to watch your shells (luggage). If you are feeling devilish incorporate some drinking. If you are feeling peckish, have something to eat.

Internet

Last but not in the least is the prized internet connection. A brilliant snail will scope out free wireless internet whilst eating, drinking and waiting for a room to be found. Where did I put the bags again?

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Uniquely SEA #1

Let me dispense with an important announcement before I get started with todays business. We begin our recrudesce to New Zealand next Thursday and will arrive on Friday. Please be aware I have written and circulated a press release for all major news networks as my triumphant return to New Zealand may be the only thing which can take economic depression and the sycophantic pandering of accumulated governments off the front pages of the world’s print media.

This gives us exactly one more week in South East Asia. Today I thought I would write a list of unique experiences which for me sum up our time here. Where possible I will link back to supporting evidence as we have a more than a few new comers to the banging bandwagon which is this blog. I expect this will be a continuing series as I expect to be enveloped by a huge sense of contrast when we arrive back in New Zealand.

Transport

The roads of South East Asia are far more exciting with a rich profusion of scooters, tuk tuks and street vendors. Footpaths are for parking cars and setting up shop. Never forget when meeting someone on the street always start the conversation asking where the person is from then say hello.

Food

If it grows, lives and can fit in your mouth you can probably eat it. If it doesn’t it will be murdered and prepared so you can. Every table has salt, pepper and chilli flakes. High humidity renders salt and pepper shakers useless so head straight for the chilli.

Patriotism

Back home the New Zealand flag is trotted our very rarely. Sports events, state funerals and the occasional flag burning are the only times you might see them in the wild. In the deep SEA national flags are found on every corner, crevasse and places in between. I have not seen national flag toilet paper or underwear but I am sure that some enterprising soul is ready to roll them out so to speak.

Time and Space

I have discussed this at length before. But time and distances are so excruciatingly distorted that you should abandon time pieces and your accumulated sense of longimetry. For fear of disappointment add at least 24 standard hours and a thousand kilometers for any journey.

A Sizable Difference

Without fail most clothing sizes are out by a size. A western large would be an extra large here. Whilst this is quickly learned, doorways, roofs and other construction tenements can all attack an unwilling traveler. I have learned that wearing a helmet entering and exiting our current lodging a safe way to protect my head. Unfortunately wearing a helmet to bed is not very comfortable.

Tune in next week for more of the…..

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Got out on the Highway

After the train ride to Chiang Mai I managed to leave my mobile phone and headphones in our carriage. This was particularly annoying as I had enjoyed its company over the last couple of years. Losing personal property in another country is not fun but it can make for a story.

The executive committee decided that a vehicle should be appropriated and that we make our way back to the railway station. We found a fantastic Yamaha scooter which is the finest hired vehicle we have had during our whole time away.

Using a combination of two maps and homespun GPS we made our way to the railway station and information centre. The information centre has a poor choice of name but they did manage to point us at the railway police. After a short period waiting we were met by a official looking chap who with some grace took a statement and suggested that we visit the Chiang Mai tourist police and furnished us with a new more detailed map.

The next day we mounted our steed and using three maps managed to almost visit the tourist police, see the regular police, visit two coffee cafes, wander the streets and see a huge tract of previously undiscovered Chiang Mai. Needless to say it was a relief when we found the tourist police. The tourist police officer candidly advised us that lost property is never handed in but he did supply us with a statement which we will use to make a travel insurance claim on our return.

Earlier in our trip we sent surplus space suits and supplies back to mission control via parachuted air drops. Since then our bags have swelled in orbit and it has become necessary to send more luggage home. It was with glee that we joined the super highway to get quotes on more traditional terrestrial freight services.

Chiang Mai has a super highway which encircles the city and connects with the state highway to Bangkok. Using the super highway allowed us to push our vehicle to previously unattained speeds. It has to be said that driving a scooter on a motorway with a map firmly pressed to your back, the wind streaming through your helmet and wife screaming in your ear is a glorious experience.

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Welcome to the Jumbo

Edition. Jumbo because it has been a few days since my last entry and there was a large log protruding from my back. We have returned to the safety cocoon that is Chiang Mai and it is safe to write again.

On Wednesday and Thursday of last week we threw ourselves at Angkor Wat. Being a still (practicing) magician it felt odd to be paying someone else for mechanical levitation but Angkor Wat deserves everything you can throw at it. $15 was a reasonable price and the balloon ride offered a superior vantage point. Equally as important were the rich cacophony of Japanese voices and cameras sounds from our fellow balloon riders has prepared me well for my eventual conquest of Japan.

Early on Thursday morning we arose before the mosquitoes and were at the gates of Angkor Wat before dawn. Mother nature did us a great service by stalling a mass of photographers waiting for a sunrise and my wife and I had merrily gallivanted all over the premier temple before the snappers had discovered there was going to be no superior sunrise photo opportunity. Angkor Wat is an incredible masterpiece. It actually feels weird to bentrying to write about it. Needless to say my own personal plans for a self styled monument now seem incredibly mundane and humble.

Equally majestic and ornate are the close surrounding temples. The incredible amount of detail which accompany even the smallest feature is astounding. The people of Cambodia are to be commended on the preservation and constant maintenance that is being undertaken. Whilst it seems odd to see scaffolding, hard hats and huge cranes amongst it all; it all serves to further ram home more questions on how was it done in the first place centuries ago.

Getting up early does have its benefits. By about ten am the outskirts of the temples are awash with children indulging in high pressure on the fly roadside capitalism. An earlier met acquaintance mentioned the youth of Cambodia are naturally using techniques that are learned by spending a lot of money in western countries. Whilst endearing it can be distracting and who could say no to a hat like this?

Previous writings coated us with a teflon coating of imperviousness as we blazed through the Poipet border crossing from Cambodia into Thailand. So utterly oblivious, we skirted a temple dispute without a whimper. It has to be noted that natives of New Zealand when encountering soldiers always think they are on peace time exercises and are carrying blank ammunition. It is inconceivable they could actually be en route to a conflict.

Long periods of traveling wrecks havoc with ones news sensitivity. Since we started this rather large adventure. A host of world shattering events have occurred.

-Thailand has practically had a revolution
-Zimbabwe’s leaders have brokered a power sharing agreement
-South Africa’s leader has stepped down
-Russia and Georgia have come to blows
-The world economy has had an unprecedented shake up

None of this compares with the juggernaut that is the U.S presidential race. My forays and forages into world television have left me a crazed political pundit. I have watched debates that mean nothing to me. But do you want to know the really crazy thing ???????

Imagine my surprise when opening my email after arriving in Bangkok I had not one but two emails from the Republican party urging me to make an early vote in the election. This has caused me to refrain from further presidential race coverage and to pen a letter to McPainin.

Dear Sir/Madam

I regret to inform you that your previous emails have been in vain. I do not know how you have extracted my email address from my cranium whilst watching your party political broadcasts but I am deeply offended and will refuse to watch American television hence forth.

Yours Sincerely
Sir/Madam

This stage of our travels are winding to a close. We will soon have a reentry date and we are both looking forward to touching down and spending time with mission control. Plotting and planning our next journey shall be equally as fun and exciting.

New Zealand readers do not be alarmed. I have plenty more to write and do. You will not be bored.

Rest of the world. Do not look away or be shy I am coming for you!

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A Moment of Clarity

A small innocent piece of information for my loyal flock. Years of gaming have left my eyes a bit lacking when looking at things far away. I require a prescription set of glasses to drive legally in New Zealand.

Acquiring a set of glasses in New Zealand is a laborious, tedious and costly exercise. If you are anything like me it is far easier to delay purchasing new glasses, even when your current pair look like they have just walked out of a battle in a tumble dryer with a couple of bricks.

It is with great pride that I can describe purchasing a pair of new glasses in Cambodia.

My examination was free of course and done on the spot. No making an appointment.

A huge variety of frames awaited to perch upon my nose and ears. If I had gone with the cheapest lenses I could have had them inside an hour ready to wear for $18 US.

I went a bit up market and chose the transition lenses and a better titanium frame. My lenses needed to be ordered in but I can still pick them up tomorrow evening. Total cost $83 US.

The last time I got a quote for transition lenses back home it was at least $800 New Zealand and it was going to take them a week to get them ready to wear.

So a tip of my hat to the fine people of Cambodia and in particular the lovely bunch at….

Angkor Optique
Address: Group 5 Sivatha St
Siem Reap near Canadia Bank

tel 063 761237

Footnote,

International readers please substitute New Zealand for your own country I suspect things are much the same.

Additional Footnote,

I have just noticed we have broken the 100 post barrier. This post is number 101. I would like to thank my fingers and my fans I could not have done this with out you!

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DO NOT!

It came to my attention yesterday that blatantly soliciting google ad patronage goes against the tenements which define the google gods omnipresent network. My light hearted and entirely heartfelt clicking requests have been incredibly successful in the past. Hence I am currently flummoxed on how I can cleverly entertain my growing slice of the internet pie and financially sustain my important research into all things that amuse me. After consulting my distinguished legal team we have come to the conclusion that any future ad clicking requests will be prefixed with do not. Let it be known that I will be retroactively fitting past requests with the do not suffix. So in summary;

DO NOT CLICK THE GOOGLE ADS

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A Litany of Scams

To truly get inside the mind of an accomplished scammer you must first serve yourself up as a delectable juicy morsel. So thorough is my ability to get served, I now have a list of warnings and common scams operating in South East Asia to share with you. Please do not feel pity. My intentions were always noble and I have done a fine job in redistributing my wealth to others.

The truly astounding fact is that in most cases we had prior knowledge of 90% of these swindles before we left home. Traveling long distances, queuing, disturbed sleep and a liver struggling to process last nights bar top frolics can all exacerbate ones ability to be taken for ride.

These scams have all been tasted and tested throughout our trip through Thailand, Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia. However I suspect that similar currency hijacking exists throughout our known galaxy so sit back, enjoy and hold on to your wallet.

THAILAND

The pushy Bangkok travel agent.

Bangkok is the gateway for most people visiting South East Asia. The travel agents in particular have a really bad reputation. I am sure there are some good ones out there we just didn’t find one.

We entered the travel agent wanting two tickets to Koh Samui

But in the space of half an hour we managed to sign our selves up for 20 days of accommodation, travel and sundries. Our itinerary was scribbled on a never to be seen again piece of paper. We received our tickets the next day in a series of envelopes. Religious holidays were cited as an excuse why we would find it hard to find accommodation without our agents help. By a rough calculation we payed twice the list price on every single item. But we could not reconcile correctly because we received no itemised account. Conveniently our travel agent had gone home on a holiday the next day when we collected our tickets.

Needless to say we are going to have a great time enacting revenge on our return to Bangkok booking 60 days of five star travel, stalling and generally making nice nuisances of ourselves to the very same travel agent. Think of it as self enforced karma.

Unseen Travel Bangkok Naughty Naughty Naughty.

Island Travel

After a ferry ride which often will be on the back of a twelve hour bus ride all one wants to do is get to your accommodation. In general the islands are very small. It does not take half an hour to get anywhere and the roads are perfectly adequate for moderately fast travel. You will be sharing your trip with other travelers. Negotiate as a group if you can and wait till you get off your ferry. There will be no shortage of people willing to help. Confidence men actually operate on the ferrys taking money from travellers and double your money by being the nice guys in the middle. It is amazing what a polo shirt can do to make someone look semi official.

Border Crossings

Border crossings are particularly bountiful for the practiced grifter. I have the following bullet points to make these painless.

  • Know how much a visa costs
  • Have plenty of passport photos ready
  • Don’t get any currency changed by a helpful stranger
  • Do not believe a word about a lack of ATMs, financial services or a regular power supply in your intended destination
  • Do not accept help from anyone who is not behind a counter or is part of your tour party
  • Know your exchange rates, have them written down

In addition be particularly wary in the immediate vicinity of a border crossing. You are most likely to be preyed upon around borders.

LAOS

Laos in general was pretty laid back. The only scam I can list could have been a mistake or genuinely mischievous.

Vanishing Clothing.

I lost a lot of clothes in Laos and it can all be traced back to using laundry services. Thankfully as I lost more and more, my clothing accounting improved. If you wanted to dodge this scam; count your clothes before you give them away or take a quick digital photo of them laid out on a bed.

I suspect my clothes are now being worn proudly from one end of Laos to the other so I am not completely aggrieved.

VIETNAM

Vietnam it would appear is in a perpetual state of war; foreigners are routinely financially liberated.

Hanoi Taxi & Hotel Scam

Thankfully we knew enough about Vietnam to dodge this bullet but the lengths we needed to take are worth rewriting.

  • Know where you are staying and have its address. We recommend the Tin Tin hotel in the old quarter
  • When you are dropped off at the wrong hotel check the name on the hotel
  • Be forceful with the driver and get them to take you to your desired hotel
  • Give the driver the money you agreed on not a new per person amount
  • Have both currencies handy so you do not have to rely on a drivers dubious exchange calculation

Hanoi Cheap Cheap Accommodation

More general advice here which is worth knowing about. If you go cheap in Hanoi you had better agree on going with the hotels tour services. If you do not, you can count on having a hard time when you check out. It is worth paying a bit more and sorting out tours by yourself.

Roadside selling

Be prepared to give your neck a thorough work out. A firm no and shake of a head is generally enough to discourage people but in tourist havens like Nha Trang the surge of salesmen is relentless. You are not even safe in a restaurant as they will come in and try to sell you all manner of things right at your table.

Unfortunately this is just modern day Vietnam. I did have one idea that might work. Wearing a pair of dark glasses, carrying a cane and leading a labrador might flag you as suitably blind and therefore not a good target.

The Ultimate Confidence Scam

To this day I do not know if this was a scam. It was so well executed that if it was I tip my hat to the gentleman that played it on me. It started with an innocent walk to find an internet cafe. I was gently accosted by a man who had mistaken me as a member of his New Zealand extended family. He proceeded to tell me he had a couple of hours to kill and would I come for a drink with him. Wanting to further my traveling experience I promptly hopped upon his scooter and we headed off to a river side bar.

A couple of bars later I had *learned* about this fellows family, his interests and he was also a writer or sorts and being the first writer I had met on my travels this in particular got me excited. Alarm bells should have rung when he told me he was a foreign currency collector and how he attempted an unsuccessful currency swap. He got me to write his wife a happy birthday note for his book of writing, it was conveniently her birthday. I then said I would like to return to my hotel and stop at an internet cafe. On our way home we stopped at a liquor store so he could buy his wife a bottle of wine. In a beer induced stupor I agreed to buy his wife a bottle of birthday wine which conveniently cost the total amount of money which was in my wallet. I suspect the wine was exchanged back less a percentage after I was dropped off.

The tale written above is undoubtedly a scam but it was done with such poise and grace that it felt completely natural. A canny old writer bugger to be sure.

CAMBODIA

Cheap TUK TUK

Crime in Cambodia is organised. At the lowest rung of the crime ladder are the tuk tuk drivers. We had a particularly ugly situation with a tuk tuk driver in Phenom Penh, He conveyed us to our guest house without a hitch for nothing. He did not accept any money and then agreed to take us to some do some tourist type things the following day.

Unfortunately for him over night we had hatched competing plans which were not fully realised until it was time to leave our guest house the next morning. We tried to pay our friendly tuk tuk driver for the previous days trip plus a generous bonus which would have more than covered his time, and then explained we had to go with other people. He got really ugly and really angry, he would not accept our money and I made the cultural mistake of throwing the money on the ground.

We learned afterwards that this is a cultural no no. We also learned that the tuk tuk driver believed that he owned us for our entire stay in Phenom Penh. If you need to organise a tuk tuk do it through your guest house because at least then the guest house can enforce some security and you have a channel for hearing any disagreements.

Do not accept free rides. Nothing comes for free. It is best to pay a bit extra and not have the burden of someone having unreasonable expectations from you the next day.

Charity Work

If you are feeling particularly humane and want to give blood, visit an orphanage or make a donation do your best to research your charity first. We have heard of the following.

  • Donated blood being sold for a premium instead of being used for free transfusions
  • Children being hired out to be dressed in rags for local mafia run orphanages

There are a lot of beggars in Cambodia. This is distressing but if you look a bit closer you will often notice the beggars are carrying large wads of cash. They are also often carrying shopping and I suspect retirement age women will take babies out whilst baby sitting to make for a more compelling sell. DO NOT give any money because if you give some to one you then will be hounded for the rest of your stay by all the beggars in your area. It is a well organised business for them.

There are a lot of NGOs operating in Cambodia looking for places to spend money. Rest assured there are procedures in place so no one needs to go hungry. Even a cash strapped tourist.

Conclusion

Be aware, be alert and be cautious.

Furthermore if you want to feel my plight without leaving your computer, donate some money or click on a google ad. I have learned from the best.

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Whilst on the Run

Lists are the foundation of most worthwhile and practical exercises. Before we embarked on our adventure I cataloged my mobile digital strategy with gusto. On the whole it has been successful and has only needed a couple of tweaks as we have made our merry way around this part of the world.

I hope this information will be useful for anyone who takes a laptop traveling, enjoys using the internet and maybe tries to write a bit each day like myself.

Do not count on WIFI or even a network cable

Whilst we have been very lucky with most of the places we have stayed it is sometimes necessary to find an internet cafe. Some are nice and have a table set aside for laptop users but some are not. The setup of some internet cafes makes it tricky to appropriate network cables for your laptop as well. I incurred an electrical charge this morning doing this, shocking.

If you blog use Post2Blog

Post2Blog is a wonderful piece of software which allows you to compose your blogs offline and then publish them when you are ready. It is more elegant than using notepad and it is actually more powerful than using the standard blogger and wordpress editors.

Get Protected

You will need antivirus protection on your machine. When you leave the firewalled protection of your home and start having to use memory sticks and public internet terminals you will start to notice your antivirus software earning its keep.

Don’t believe me? skim over this

Scan performed at: 9/2/2008 23:17:51 PM
Scanning Log
NOD32 version 3401 (20080829) NT
Command line: H:’

Date: 2.9.2008 Time: 23:17:55
Anti-Stealth technology is enabled.
Scanned disks, folders and files: H:’
H:’system.exe – Win32/Autoit.BA worm
H:’RECYCLER.exe – probably unknown NewHeur_PE virus [7]
H:’dvd.exe – probably unknown NewHeur_PE virus [7]
H:’My Pictures.exe – probably unknown NewHeur_PE virus [7]
H:’Apps.exe – probably unknown NewHeur_PE virus [7]

That particular scan found 447 infected items on my memory stick. This was after one use on a suspiciously slow internet terminal.

Do not count on a lot of power points.

This hit me the most in Thailand. Especially when we were staying in bungalows. One power point would be the norm and sometimes they would be in very odd positions. I picked up a very sneaky double plug which also acts as a universal country adapter. Just head for a hardware store.

Shrink those Pictures.

Pictures add a lot to writing but they can also add a lot of time when you are paying per the minute to upload them. I use the Microsoft picture resize power toy for easy right click and compress of our photos. I suspect Apple users have something equally elegant, in fact I am sure they do not even have to think about things like this.

Mesh is best

When carrying an assortment of widgets, gadgets, plugs, and sundry necessities it can be quite a bother to find them. One of my handiest tools has been a mesh bag which came with an IBM think pad. It is easy to spot my power adapter mouse etc and the mesh means it is easy to find with your tactile senses when diving into a backpack.

Look after your gear

My pride and joy retractable targus mouse started behaving erratically in Chiang Mai. The replacement whilst cheap has the propensity to self destruct when it falls off the bed. Flooring is usually tiled, carpet is a rarity. Things will break if you do not look after them.

In one of life’s crueler ironies my traveling partner managed to destroy my 500 gigabyte portable hard drive by foot massaging it off the bed today. A small annoyance but it gave me the impetus to complete this post.

When you have a writing idea

Write down a sentence or even just a phrase. It is far easier to come back to something rather than nothing. Just look at my blog.

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